Situation Comedy: All F***ed Up

One of the things I like to do in my spare time is think up new sitcoms that haven’t already been done to death. You know, like all the Friends clones about East Coast yuppie types who trade sexcapades, or the shows with stout Midwesterners bitching endlessly about the snow. (Evidently no funny people exist on the western side of the Rockies anymore, with the possible exception of clueless genius Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory.)

Of course, not knowing how to write a screenplay means I’ve never attempted to pitch any of my ideas to the Hollyweird elite, but I really believe my latest concept ought to be written by someone who knows what s/he is doing, and given a chance by the networks.

I’m serious. Really. You can’t make this stuff up:

First, you take a couple of gay men—one a hairdresser, the other a nurse—who are trying to find a way to get married in a culture that still relapses frequently into homophobia. Which is not an unusual storyline these days, but then you team them up with another gay male who rents a room in their house, a step-teenager, some stray cousins who are in and out all the time, six or seven yappy little dogs, and not one but TWO bipolar moms…..well, now you’re getting the picture.

Here’s a synopsis of the pilot episode: Approaching his 38th birthday—and in the middle of an impromptu wrestling match with his stepson—“Clark” cracks two ribs and refuses to be “raped in the ER”, as he puts it, choosing instead to treat his injuries with generous doses of ibuprofen and Long Island Iced Tea. Meanwhile, “Ethan” starts working six days a week to make up for the loss of income, “Carol” (Bipolar Mom #1) goes off her meds, one of the dogs has her fourth litter of puppies, and the roommate suddenly moves out, leaving Clark and Ethan with a shortfall of $500 that he was paying in rent each month.

The wedding gets postponed due to financial difficulties. But the show must go on, and so do plans for Clark’s birthday party, which finds the original cast, plus a few more members from (Bipolar Mom #2) “Merida’s” side of the family, gathered around the barbecue on the back deck. Ethan is serving up grilled meats and corn, and can be observed nipping at the bottle of sherry he’s using as a marinade; Step-teenager and a couple of his friends are entertaining themselves by throwing pine knots into the merrily blazing fire pit; and the dogs swirl around the legs of the crowd in eager anticipation of the occasional dropped pork rib.

In the meantime, both Bipolar Moms have stolen the spotlight, and they regale the party guests with hilarious tales of hospital stays and medication regimens, while Ethan signals desperately (and futilely) for them to STOP!! And a good time is had by all…..except perhaps for Clark himself, who’s medicating his pain unnoticed in the den with his third Bacardi-and-Coke in one hand, a fat Dachshund curled up on his injured side, and a fluffy Pomeranian licking the spilled concoction off his lap.

See what I mean? You just. can’t. make. this. shit. up.