As much as I love the guy, I’m about ready to curse my pdoc: I think he jinxed me last Friday when he brought up the subject of mania and made me swear that I’d call him at the first sign that I’m ramping up. Well, after several weeks of beautiful stability, I’m noticing that I can’t seem to keep still and I’m a little more yappy than I should be, plus I’m not getting to sleep until after about 2 AM most nights (which in itself is a bad omen) because of restless legs and an even more restless mind.
Now, I’ve been cautioned about pathologizing every passing emotion to the point where I hardly ever worry about it anymore…..mainly because everybody else worries enough for me! However, tapping my feet to nonexistent music is NEVER a good sign; neither is the chatter going on in my head, like I’ve got multiple TV channels on at the same time. My judgment is a bit off, I find myself overreacting to unpleasant stimuli, and caffeine is also affecting me more than usual (yet I can’t stop consuming it).
It’s like I’m pre-hypomanic, if there is such a thing, and now my doctor has betrayed me by going across the country to a conference on advanced acupuncture. Damn his timing!
Then again, it’s very easy to explain all of this. I’m excited to be starting my new/old job. I’m stressed to the max financially, and it’s about to get a whole lot worse before it gets better. And I think all the talk about mania last Friday just planted a seed whose fruits may never be realized. After all, there’s nothing wrong with feeling like I can do anything and everything…..is there?
Still, I can’t help wondering if my pdoc inadvertently hexed me before flying the coop for two weeks. I HATE calling the on-call, even though when I’ve had to before, the providers listened to me as carefully as my own doc does, and didn’t hesitate to prescribe something to get me through the immediate crisis until he returned. Besides, not everything can (or should) be medicated away—sometimes, you’ve just got to deal with your shit, and compared with some of what I’ve been through, this isn’t even worth thinking about.
In fact, these issues will resolve themselves long before my pdoc gets back. For one thing, the late-night ruminations will cease when I start getting up at 4:30 AM to shower and dress for my shift, which begins at an hour that shouldn’t even be on the clock. I’ll be too tired for all this extraneous physical restlessness when I’m on my feet for most of an 8-hour shift. And I’ll be able to get my fill of chatting when I’m working with my longtime friends again, as well as my residents.
Nope…..nothing to see here. I’m fine. Really. 🙂