Wow, talk about things coming out of left field…..today I was basically accused of being depressed (which I’m not) and “hiding” behind a fake name on Facebook (which I do strictly for privacy reasons). And when I presented facts to the contrary, the person all but said I was lying, thus making me question momentarily whether I really am crazy after all, even though I think I’m as sane as I’ve ever been in my life.
WTF?? I wondered.
I went back over my blog posts for the past week or so to see if I could find anything indicating that I was having “dark thoughts”. To be sure, I’m not exactly the happiest of campers these days, but there’s a big difference between that and depression. It doesn’t even qualify as a case of the blues. And there’s nothing in the blog that should make anyone suspect that I’m “not myself”.
Now, I did share a meme on FB a couple of days ago whose comments included an unfortunate remark from another poster along the lines of, “this is another day when I hope I won’t wake up tomorrow”. But I’ve never written that, not on FB, in this blog, or anywhere else. I haven’t even thought that in months! As difficult as life is right now, I’m in no hurry to leave it…..it never occurred to me that this might not be perfectly clear in my postings. Why ever would anyone think I’m having suicidal ideation?
NO, I am not thrilled with the way my life is going at this juncture. Who would be? And YES, my confidence is a bit shaky. Whose wouldn’t be? I lost out on three jobs that I should’ve gotten with one hand tied behind my back. That doesn’t exactly inspire happy thoughts. But as much as my identity has been tied up in what I do for a living, I’m using this off time to work on letting go of that. I don’t need to be told I’m feeling something I’m not, or that I’m hiding behind a shield of some sort—if I need anything, it’s to be encouraged and to hear someone say “I’m glad to see you working on that. Keep it up”.
Of course, none of this is really about me at all, even though it hurts just the same. But as another popular FB saying goes, “those who stir the shit-pot should have to lick the spoon”. I shouldn’t be the one with the bad taste in her mouth.