suicidal ideation

It’s Halloween

…and boy, am I ever glad I’m not where I was three years ago tonight. The hospital was the best place for me then and I knew it, even though I’d have given almost anything to take my grandsons out trick-or-treating instead. I had never fallen so far down the rabbit hole before, and IContinue reading “It’s Halloween”

Black Dog

As the days have grown grayer and shorter, the usual downward shift in my mood has set in and I am once again under the influence of Winston Churchill’s black dog, AKA depression. It’s not a bad one, and there are extenuating circumstances that make it entirely understandable, e.g. the stress of watching my husband’sContinue reading “Black Dog”

Going Inpatient: One Year Later

I will never again be able to think about Halloween without remembering where I was on October 31st, 2014. I’d written a short post here saying that I’d hit bottom and was going to the hospital, then after my psych eval I sat in the “safe room” in the ER for six looooong hours waitingContinue reading “Going Inpatient: One Year Later”

Feelin’ Groovy

You know you’re doing well when you’re sitting in your psychiatrist’s office and all the two of you do is BS for the entire 50 minutes. While he did find something to nag me about—he always does—the need for a colonoscopy is not imminent, and for the rest of the time we told each otherContinue reading “Feelin’ Groovy”

Surviving Bipolar

It’s been several months now since my brain last attempted to murder me, and with the passage of time the harsh lines that defined that episode and the resulting hospitalization have blurred somewhat. Now I look back and wonder how I could have even THOUGHT about suicide, let alone planned it…..only the method, and whetherContinue reading “Surviving Bipolar”

We Shall Overcome

Today I did something I’m quite proud of. As my readership knows, I am having a miserable time of it these days. I am depressed and fearful; my days are spent sorting and boxing things up, and my nights are full of disturbing dreams. I’m trying to look for the good in all of this, and failing utterly.Continue reading “We Shall Overcome”

Dark Night Of the Soul

***TRIGGER WARNING*** I decided I’d better put a trigger warning at the top of this post like I did the last one, because the theme of this one is even scarier. Just in time for Halloween. Only this isn’t tricks or treats, and the fear doesn’t go away with the flip of a calendar page. The past 36 hoursContinue reading “Dark Night Of the Soul”

Rock-Bottom Blues

***TRIGGER WARNING*** Bad, bad thoughts ahead. This is it—I have found it—I am in Hell. Or at least my version of it, anyway. Things have fallen through at my son’s so Will and I can’t move in with him, and as of now we have nowhere to go. Nowhere to go. To say I am terrifiedContinue reading “Rock-Bottom Blues”

Depression On My Mind

One of the advantages of admitting one is depressed is it takes all the pressure off to pretend otherwise. I’ve fought it tooth and nails for over a week, but the truth is I feel lousy and I may as well acknowledge it. There’s no use in trying to pass it off as a little blip on the radar, or blame it solelyContinue reading “Depression On My Mind”

Black Blossoms

Now that the worst appears to be over, I want to invite my readers into the room in which I’ve spent a good portion of the past couple of weeks. Don’t be afraid; just take my hand and come with me for a few moments. I promise to return you safely. It is a cheerless, windowless roomContinue reading “Black Blossoms”