Between “Blah” and “Yee-HAW!!”
This mild mixed episode has got to go.
It’s not anything I can’t stand. It’s not at all like those horrendous mixed moods I have every now and again that make me crazier than a shit-house rat. This is just a generalized weirdness where bouncy and amused alternates with down and irritable, and I’m sick to death of it.
I want to stay bouncy and amused. I want NOT to be down and irritable. Mostly, I want to find that sweet spot between “Blah” and “Yee-HAW!”
And then I remember what happens to me in the latter part of the summer: I get bored, restless, and a little bit depressed. You can practically set your watch by it—in late August, the angle of the sun’s light changes subtly and makes my brain go “aw, dammit, winter’s coming”. (I think I’ve already established that I loathe winter.) Now what’s REALLY odd is that I tend to get hypomanic in the early fall, when it’s crisp and cool in the mornings and the sun is still warm in the afternoons. Right now, however, I’m experiencing a taste of both mood states, and it’s confusing the hell out of me because I don’t know from one day to the next which way my mood will swing.
Take yesterday. I was in a great frame of mind in the morning despite Will’s (very) recent setback, listening to peppy music and handing out sage advice to my fellow posters on a nursing forum. But by early evening I was questioning why I need to continue to exist because I’m no good to anyone, seeing as how I can’t work a normal 40-hour week like everyone else. (Yes, I know it’s convoluted thinking, but we’re not dealing with logic here.) I feel SO sorry for anyone who deals with ultra-rapid cycling every day of their lives…..just this little taste of it makes me yearn for the normal mood cycling I experience the rest of the time.
I’m not particularly worried about myself. This is merely unpleasant, and I want it gone NOW. I see Dr. Awesomesauce in another week and a half, and I have the feeling he’s going to ask me to try reducing the Zyprexa again. He really doesn’t want me to stay on two anti-psychotics forever, and that’s probably a good thing. I could use a little more of a boost in the energy department, although the last time I tried decreasing the Z I wound up getting seriously depressed instead of manic. Who knows….it’s a different time of year, and perhaps this time it’ll do the opposite.
Of course I know what’s driving this, and that’s my life situation, which is both distressful and confusing. Who wouldn’t be a little screwed up? I think it stands as a testament to the success of my treatment that I’m not completely out of my skull…..I’ve been made crazy by a lot less. In fact, I wouldn’t worry about this particular episode at all, if I didn’t recognize the subtler signs that it is indeed somewhat bipolar-related. Not every symptom is. I’ve gotten a lot better at discerning what’s BP versus what’s just the bullshit life serves up.
But this time, some of it IS my disease and I find myself longing for the passion and fire of hypomania. Not mania itself, because that is destructive and never ends well; I just want to feel really good again, and for longer than a day. Is that too much to ask?