I can hardly believe it: today is the 6th anniversary of the blog you have come to know as bpnurse. I started it on a dare back in 2013 when a good friend of mine told me about a blogging contest she wanted me to enter with her. I don’t remember what the prize was; the contest was simply 30 blog posts in 30 days. I signed up just hours before the deadline, and thus began an adventure that’s still creating itself even as I try to live my best life with bipolar 1 disorder.
I did manage to post the 30-in-30, and by that time I was hooked. My friend had bugged out in the first week and enjoyed a few chuckles at my expense because she knew I’d start writing and never stop. She was right. I don’t post anywhere near as much as I used to when the illness was still new to me and I was trying to navigate life with it, as well as cope with a sick husband, a bad job situation and other personal problems. It wasn’t a fun time, although when I scroll through my older posts I can see I was able to find some humor in it all. That’s always been my go-to coping skill: if I don’t laugh about it, I’ll cry, and I hate crying.
(Hold on a minute, I’ve got two fluffy Pomeranian puppies trying to get my attention by climbing up my legs and yipping. They’re so under-loved, under-fed, under-privileged…said no one ever.)
As I was saying (dogs have decided to turn their attention elsewhere and are now outside chasing their mammas around the deck), I’ve been through some dark, dark times and humor was the only thing I had left to fight them. There have also been times when nothing on earth could make it better, like when I became suicidal in the fall of 2014 and landed in a psychiatric hospital. The only reason I made it was because I went to the hospital; if I hadn’t, I would have at least attempted to take my own life. I am certain of that. Thank God it’s never happened again, not even with the loss of my husband in 2016, and with any luck it never will. But like with all things bipolar, I can’t trust that, so the best I can do is be prepared to deal with it if/when it does happen.
In the meantime, my battle with medications appears to be over, for now anyway. I’ve pretty much given up on the idea of decreasing my meds; let’s face it, the “cocktail” works and with this disease, it’s so hard to regain your footing once you step off the cliff. I do miss hypomania and the energy that comes with it, but I definitely don’t miss mania itself and I live in fear of having another ruinous episode. If I have to experience a little depression once in awhile, it’s better than going completely ape shit in front of God and everybody. Been there, done that, got the resume to prove it.
So I say Thank You to my 530 followers and everyone else who comes to this website and reads my stuff. You’ve kept me engaged, even when I thought I would never want to write again, and you’ve supported me when I’ve gone off the rails. I hope to continue bpnurse for many years to come. God bless you all!