And now, a few words about cognitive dysfunction. Or, as I call it, bipolar brain-fade.
It’s like my mind is swallowed up by the mist engulfing all my neurons and synapses. It’s there, to be sure, because I couldn’t function even as well as I do if I didn’t have SOMETHING going for me upstairs. But oh, mercy, the ridiculous things that happen every freaking day because I’m so foggy.
Here’s what happened today. I was sitting on the sofa, playing on the computer, when I noticed a foul stench emanating from the general direction of the kitchen. Knowing that one of the puppies must have taken a dump somewhere, I got up to search for it and grab a paper towel. All was well and good, even though I got distracted by the refrigerator door which was open. I shut it and resumed my appointed rounds, cleaned up the poop and disposed of it in the appropriate receptacle. No problem.
That’s when my choo-choo jumped the tracks. I remembered that I needed to write a check and went to my bedroom for a pen because there are never any pens in the living room or kitchen. They get stolen, or the dogs run off with them and chew the hell out of them before discarding them on the sofa or hiding them under the entertainment center. So I got one and went back to the living room without my checkbook, which was in my room where the pens were. I put the pen down on my computer table and again went to my room. On the way there one of the puppies decided to run in front of me, causing me to stop so suddenly that I almost slammed face-first into my door. It was then that I realized I had to pee…
By the time I’d finished that little chore, I had completely forgotten what I was supposed to do. The dishes needed to be done and the kitchen cleaned, so I loaded up the dishwasher and wiped all the counters down with disinfecting wipes. Ben and I are so anal-retentive about that (well, we are both nurses!) that he’ll come home and wipe everything down again, even when I tell him I’ve already done it. Then I swept the floors because the girl-dogs who had the babies are shedding like nobody’s business and there are tufts of hair everywhere—even in my room, where the dogs are never allowed and the door is always closed.
Notice that I’d forgotten my mission entirely . I sat down on the sofa and got all comfortable, feeling satisfied with my contribution to the cleanliness of the house, and then I spied the pen and remembered the check I still hadn’t written. Sheesh!
THAT’S what I deal with, ladies and gentlemen. It’s the price I pay to be sane (and to not be an asshole). Like I’ve said before, I’ve talked to two separate psychiatrists about this and both were absolutely certain it’s not dementia, but the combination of repeated manic episodes and especially side effects from the medications I’m on. Lamictal and the two antipsychotics are notorious for causing brain fog, and there’s just not much that can be done about it because I sure as hell can’t stop taking them.
So goes a day in the life of bpnurse. I have to laugh at this stuff, because my family gives me shit about it all the time and once in a while the teasing stings a bit. I don’t mean to be a dingbat, and it’s embarrassing sometimes because I never used to be like this. I wonder at times what people I once knew would think of me now—people I’ve worked with and taken care of. I was a good nurse. Now I just have to work on being a good person. And I can do that even with half a brain. 🙂