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Heavily Medicated For Your Protection

July 26, 2018

The Zyprexa is working.

Dammit. I should have known how much I needed it.

Like I said a couple of posts ago, I’d really hoped to come down or even off some of my meds. But the truth is, the higher dose of Vitamin Z is taking care of both my sleep and my racing thoughts; with rare exceptions I’m getting to bed by 1 AM, and I sleep through the night. What astonishes me is how much my brain has quieted down…the static in my head has faded out, and I’m not chasing stray thoughts all over the universe. I didn’t know there was anything that could do that.

The other night I was lying in bed thinking (not obsessing) about all of this. It’s kind of like sleeping in the most comfortable bed you’ve ever been in, and waking up every 90 minutes or so to marvel at how comfortable you are. I have actually done this. Will and I once stayed in an exclusive hotel that was right on the beach, and I remember this huge queen bed with down pillows, a down mattress topper and down comforters. It was like lying on a cloud. I barely slept at all that night because I was TOO cozy. Does that make sense?

Yes, the fire of hypomania has been banked, and as much as I hate to admit it I feel a lot more settled. It’s nice not to lie in bed at 4 in the morning, staring up at the ceiling and wondering if I should keep trying to fall asleep or if I should just get up, drink some coffee and start the day. It also doesn’t hurt that I made it through the second anniversary of Will’s passing and am on a more even keel emotionally. I don’t like being groggy in the mornings and I’m definitely more so than I was, and I average about 9-10 hours’ sleep now. But it’s better than 2-3 hours a night, and I really do enjoy the slower pace of my thoughts. You just don’t know how bad the noise and the disorganization are until they’re not there anymore.

Of course, this probably means I’ll stay on the increased dose for awhile, maybe even for good. Or maybe it’ll just be through the summer…all I know is that I have three months’ worth of refills. After fielding some slings and arrows from friends, I’ve come to the conclusion that it really shouldn’t matter how much medication I’m on, I have to take the amount that works. And Dr. Goodenough is more on top of things than I gave him credit for. He wanted to increase the Zyprexa a month sooner, and I refused. Bad decision on my part. I was starting to spend too much money and my checking account was overdrawn for the first time in years, and I wasn’t sleeping well at least three nights out of the week. I may have only been mildly hypomanic, but if I hadn’t regained some control of my sleep I would have gotten a lot worse. I know. I’ve seen me do it.

Now, all I have to do is get past this notion that I’m overmedicated. Sometimes in the mornings when it takes an act of God to propel me out of bed, I want to chuck the whole kit and caboodle. I HATE being so drowsy when I wake up. I’d rather be able to pop up like I do when I’ve slept only a couple of hours. But as we all know, sleep is crucial when one is grappling with bipolar disorder, and historically I have not done well when I don’t get enough of it.

The extra Zyprexa has also been helpful in keeping my anxiety at bay during the past few days. Some things have happened lately that are causing all of us to worry, and of course I go from 0 to 60 in seconds when I’m stressed AF by events beyond my control. It’s hard not to freak out when everything seems to be going to hell in the proverbial bushel basket. But so far I’ve been able to stay relatively calm and be something of a voice of reason. Who knew?

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. July 26, 2018 7:37 am

    I am happy your doing better! Zyprexa gave me horrible weight gain when I took it. However that was years ago. I hope it keeps helping. ❤ xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. July 26, 2018 12:15 pm

    I’m so glad the Zyprexa is working. I agree with you that it shouldn’t matter how much medication you take, if it’s working and the side effects are bearable.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. July 26, 2018 12:28 pm

    “All is calm, all is bright …” but not so bright as to be the light of an oncoming train … 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Iambizi permalink
    July 29, 2018 3:46 am

    I am glad that you are doing better. May I ask how much of an increase in the zyprexa?
    bibi

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 29, 2018 3:53 am

      Just an extra 2.5 mg, but it’s making a big difference. I’d been on 5 mg for several years and hoped to reduce or even come off of it eventually. Doesn’t look like that’s going to happen, but at this point I almost don’t care because I’m really enjoying the quiet in my head.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Iambizi permalink
    July 29, 2018 4:02 am

    how is the dieting going for you? I am glad that you are sleeping more.maybe ask to take it every other night?
    bizi

    Like

    • July 29, 2018 4:06 am

      I’m not dieting. I’ve actually put back on a few pounds but it’s not out of control, I’ve just been eating out a lot. After our vacation we’ll all be broke and start cooking at home again, so those pounds will fall off again. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

      • Iambizi permalink
        July 29, 2018 4:43 am

        what do you think about alternating the 7.5 with 5mg every other night, what would your pdoc say to that?
        bizi

        Like

  6. July 29, 2018 5:03 am

    He might let me get away with that once I’ve been stable for a while. If I had to guess, I think he won’t let me change the dose until about mid-autumn, when I tend to settle down due to changes in the light. He’s really dialed in to my patterns and knows almost before I do when I’m about to run into trouble.

    Liked by 1 person

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