Going The Wrong Way

And to think I was going to ask if I could lower some of my meds…

I’m still having trouble with sleep. I don’t think I’m acting out much (although I have been spending too much money lately and can’t account for it), but I have to admit I feel a little fragile from the frequent nights of little or no shut-eye. I’m not tired in the mornings after being up until dawn, which is ironic considering that on the nights when I do get good sleep, I feel like a slug the next day. In fact, this morning I popped right out of bed three hours after my brain finally shut up long enough for me to drift into slumber, and went to my appointment with Dr. Goodenough.

I had the feeling he was going to propose an increase in one of my antipsychotics, and that’s exactly what he did. He is still concerned about hypomania even though I don’t think I’m in it right now. I was doing all right during questioning until he asked about racing thoughts and money. Oh, shit. I have admittedly spent a not insignificant amount of time dealing with hypo in one manifestation or another since mid-March, but I thought I had a handle on it. It’s like pinching a balloon or trying to contain a generous booty in a girdle…no matter where you squeeze, it’s gonna come out somewhere else. The spending is just the latest thing. I’m not kidding: I’m broke and it’s still a week till payday. I’m NEVER completely broke, or at least I wasn’t until recently. But there’s about two or three hundred bucks gone this month that I can’t explain, and my credit card balance is going up too. What the hell??

So to nip this in the bud and especially to promote sleep, Dr. G decided to bump up my Zyprexa dose from 5 mg to 7.5 mg. Not a huge increase, and (hopefully) it’s only for a week, unless it proves successful and I have to stay on it for the rest of the summer. I didn’t want to raise the Zyprexa. I want to be on fewer meds and smaller doses, and I’ve been thinking for a while that I would ask to at least come down on some of them. But I seem to be headed the wrong way. I was even going four months in between doctor appointments, and now I’m back to monthly again. Not that I mind seeing him, I just mind what more frequent visits and med adjustments stand for.

I hope this does the job and I don’t have to stay on the higher dose. I’m worried about weight gain, and Zyprexa is notorious in that department. I wondered aloud why we couldn’t increase the Trazodone (sleep med that does absolutely nothing), but he reminded me that it’s actually an antidepressant and could throw me into mania if I were to take more of it than I do now. Well, duh—I should’ve known that. Sometimes I wonder where the hell my nurse brain went. I used to be a walking encyclopedia of pharmaceuticals; now I can’t even remember that basic information. I have to call next Wednesday to report on how the med change is affecting me, which is going to be difficult because I HATE calling psychiatrists. Dr. Awesomesauce used to complain about this a lot because I always waited until I was desperately ill to call him. I guess I’ll just have to do better about that. Besides, with any luck I’ll be back to my normal Zyprexa dose in a week.

In the meantime, I just took the extra Zyprexa and I’m starting to get sleepy. I haven’t slept worth a crap in several nights…let this be the night that it all changes.

Thanks, Doc. I think.