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True Confessions

June 10, 2018

Well, I did it again—talked Dr. Goodenough’s ear off and confessed to all sorts of things I had no intention of disclosing. I told him how I’ve been flipping in and out of what I call pre-hypomania all spring, wanting to drink, sleeping poorly, and messing with my meds. I also had trouble sitting still while I was talking to him, and that combined with bright clothing and sparkling eyes (I’d just gotten my hair highlighted, and even I could see it in the selfie I took to show off my new ‘do on Facebook) led him to decide I was, indeed, a little hypomanic. I managed to talk him out of increasing my Zyprexa, but he did up my thyroid medication in the hope of getting things back under good control and advised me to try the amber glasses we’d talked about a few months back. And my days of going four months between appointments are over for the time being, now it’s back to monthly.

As I think I’ve said before, I don’t know what it is about this doctor that makes me spill my guts every time we meet. Maybe it’s because we have only 30-minute appointments, even though there’s rarely much ground to cover in that time. My life is pretty boring most of the time. The notable exception was our last session, when my nephew had just passed away and I was experiencing a lot of anxiety. That’s gone now, but this spring has been really weird and I have energy I can’t seem to channel in any meaningful way. I’m still sitting on the sofa in front of the computer day in and day out, the only outward sign that anything is amiss being my wiggling feet and the constant posting on FB, Psych Central, and my nursing forum at all hours. Speaking of which, my sleep is still messed up. Some nights I sleep nine hours, on others I’m lucky to get two or three, and when that happens I don’t miss the shut-eye and I’m not tired in the morning.

And I’m taking my meds. It’s difficult because I REALLY would like to come off some of them, but given the circumstances that’s probably not in the cards. The first thing Dr. G mentioned when I stopped talking long enough to take a breath was the possibility of bumping up the Zyprexa, which is the last thing I want. He thinks raising my Synthroid dose may take care of things so we don’t have to do that. That’s an interesting concept which I don’t totally understand, but I’m reasonably sure the medication kept me out of depression all last winter and I’m only too glad to take it for that reason. I didn’t even have to use my HappyLight.

Now it’s three days later and I do feel a little calmer on the inside. Of course, it could be another short-lived cycle and the next warm, sunny day or poor night’s sleep may start it up again. Dr. G is well aware that I’m highly sensitive to light and seasonal changes, hence the recommendation for the amber glasses. I’ve had trouble finding clip-ons; the regular ones don’t fit over my regular lenses and I refuse to go from 6 PM till bedtime not being able to see the TV or computer. But just like his predecessor, Dr. Awesomesauce, he has a solution to almost every problem, and he found some on eBay for only $35. So I’ll order a pair and see what happens. I’ve got a vacation coming up at the end of the summer, which is another dangerous time of year for me, and I really don’t need to be going ape shit on the cruise ship. (Ya think??)

In the meantime, he is not telling me to go to bed and get up earlier. I appreciate that, because I’ve never been and will never be a morning person. I can get up if there’s a reason to, like for hair appointments and church, but my usual pattern is sleeping from around 2 to 10 AM and there’s no reason on earth to change it. I’ll modify it a bit when I need to adapt my sleep hours to Eastern time, which I’ve done before with positive results.

Speaking of having to get up in the morning, I have jury duty next Thursday. I didn’t have the option of getting out of it this time, so I’m stuck going in at 8. I could have gotten out of it if I’d given the court a letter from Dr. G saying I have a mental illness and can’t serve, but unlike the last time I was called and I was really unstable, I think I could do it. They’ll probably ask that question during the interview process anyway and I’ll be dismissed, but at least I’ll have showed up and I won’t be summoned again for another couple of years.

That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. Have a great weekend!

 

 

 

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