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Silly Season

April 5, 2018

This is sure one weird spring. Weirder than usual, even. On the inside, my mind and heart are racing, which manifests itself in incessant leg-bouncing and shortness of breath. I don’t show any other signs of mania on the outside, but it’s there, just under the surface, like lava threatening to boil over the side of the volcano. My sleep has become fitful and on the mornings when I have to get up earlier than usual, I’m not tired. Last night I was so bored trying to sleep that I almost got up and emptied the dishwasher at two AM. The temptation to skip my meds is almost more than I can resist, but I really don’t want to blow three years of relative stability. Besides, I did that already and it didn’t go well. I want to drink, too, for absolutely no reason that I can think of other than I’d just like to have a beer.

What the F is going on here?? I haven’t felt like this in, well, I don’t know how long. At the same time, I don’t have any more motivation than usual to get off the computer and, you know, clean something. I can’t be manic because I don’t feel like taking off to parts unknown and I haven’t been driving any faster than usual (although I do crank up the stereo as soon as I’m on the freeway). Even though my thoughts race, I can still string a few together and make normal conversation. I’m not spending money either, not that I have any to spend (and I’m leaving the credit card alone so I’ll have something for the trip in September). That’s one good thing about being on a fixed income—you learn very quickly how to manage it, because otherwise you have waaaay too much month at the end of the money.

The sleep thing is perhaps the most puzzling part of it. I take enough drugs to put a rhino out, but lately I couldn’t sleep through the night if my life depended on it. I’m still a slug in the morning because I get the best quality sleep from about five or six AM, which is frustrating because I get up so much later than the rest of the household. But even though I go to bed around midnight, I’m awake till at least one or two in the morning, and then I keep waking up every hour or so just for the hell of it.

So why haven’t I called Dr. Goodenough yet, you may ask? Because I’m not manic, and I  don’t want MORE meds. I don’t want to go back on Ambien because my insurance doesn’t pay for it, and besides, it’s just one more pill and I’m having enough trouble sticking with the ones I’m already taking. I don’t know why that is, but as we’ve established, I’ve tried fooling with them on previous occasions and no good ever comes from it. I guess it’s just silly season, and like everything else, it too will pass.

It sure makes things interesting in the meantime, though. I’ve been so steady for so long, but these little hiccups serve to remind me that I’m still bipolar and need to be on guard at all times. It’s so easy to get lulled into a false sense of security that my diagnosis isn’t as serious as my providers have made it out to be. I don’t feel bipolar, I simply feel…normal. A little flat emotionally, to be sure, but then “normal” people don’t get the extremes that I used to. I do remember the screaming fits and crazy highs and black depressions. They just seem so far away now. And at times like this, with the flowers in bloom and April showers falling softly on the land, it almost feels as though they never even happened.

Almost.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. Iambizi permalink
    April 6, 2018 12:22 am

    What about adding the long acting melatonin. I take 3mg and it seems to help.
    bizi

    Liked by 1 person

    • April 6, 2018 12:24 am

      I’ve tried Melatonin on a couple of occasions, and it didn’t do a thing for me. Not even in higher doses. Thanks for the thought, though. 🙂

      Like

  2. April 6, 2018 2:30 pm

    Ah, I’d love a beer! I stopped all alcohol in 2001 when my pdoc said that the meds would work a lot better that way. The only alcohol I miss is beer. With all these great-sounding craft beers all around, it’s sometimes hard.

    I see someone else drives fast when manic. A few years ago I drove for about 30 minutes at 115mph. I’d have gone faster, but the car had a speed limiter. I’m glad that the engine was not damaged. Possible because it had enough power that it wasn’t really at full output. It’s amazing the power that family mini-vans have nowadays. That thing would blow any performance ar from the ’80s right off the road.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. April 6, 2018 10:17 pm

    I have a Mini-Cooper that looks unassuming, but it LOVES cruising at 80. I have to really watch my speed on the freeway because it’s so deceptive…it just doesn’t feel like I’m going that fast. I’d hate to get a ticket or have an accident (been there, done that). My son says I drive like a little old lady. You know, the one from Pasadena.

    Like

  4. April 8, 2018 5:50 pm

    … as I sit here looking down at my leg bouncing … lol. I am having sleep disturbances too but I attribute that to allergies making me cough and wake up. I dunno me. I hope you will be okay. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  5. April 10, 2018 8:31 pm

    Hypomania sucks, too, and can be dangerous. See Dr. Goodenough. (Not that my pdoc changed my meds, but I do have clonazapam if I need it, which nowadays, I do.)

    Liked by 1 person

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