Hodgepodge, Second Edition

Let’s see how this post turns out. A lot has been going on over the past couple of weeks and I don’t know if I can pack it all into a single coherent piece. But I’ll try.

First of all, my birthday was last Friday. I’m 59. Only fifty-one weeks left until I hit the big 6-0! In a way I’m dreading this milestone, but I’m also looking forward to it. My 50s have been a hodgepodge of good things, like becoming wiser and learning to really cherish my many blessings; but some of it has really sucked, like being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and losing my husband. My 40s were tame compared with this decade. And who knows what my 60s will hold? Will I even live through them? My family isn’t known for its longevity. My father died at 59, as did my grandfather before him. My mother died at 66. But both of my grandmothers lived to almost 75, and one aunt made it to 93. (Unfortunately, there was some dementia with all three.) Who knows, maybe I’ll be a tough old bird who survives to age 80.

There’s the ongoing issue of my leg injury. I developed a nasty cellulitis infection and the skin on top of the wound died, which necessitated surgery to remove it. This was not my idea of a good time. But with proper care (which I can do myself, thankfully) and tincture of time, it should heal. It’ll scar horribly, but nobody sees my legs nine months out of the year, and besides, I don’t really care what people may think. It makes for a good story, anyway…it’s not every day that a stupid fall on Christmas at Disney World creates such drama!

I need it to heal by summer, that’s for sure. I like going to the beach and playing in the water. I like cruises even better, and we’ve got another one scheduled for early  September. I’m so excited! We’ll be going to some familiar destinations, like Cozumel, Belize and Honduras, plus a new one in Mexico. And we’re doing it on the Carnival Magic, which was the ship Will and I were on during our first and only cruise together. She holds a lot of great memories and I’m looking forward to being on her again.

Meanwhile, my mood is holding steady, although a new wrinkle has developed. It’s mid-winter and I’m not waking up depressed; instead, I’m waking up anxious. I’m not sure why. It’s not worth taking my PRN for—it’s usually over by the time I’ve had my morning coffee without any intervention. But it’s weird. I’ve heard that anxiety sometimes is a symptom of depression, but honestly, I’m not depressed at all. Bipolar is far, far away and it no longer seems like a part of me. It’s amazing how much progress I’ve made in that department. I don’t even feel bipolar anymore, like it was just a nightmare that I lived with for several years. I can still be triggered by stress (or sometimes, just for the hell of it) but it goes away so quickly it barely registers in my brain. Kind of like normal people.

Don’t worry, I’m not the slightest bit tempted to go off my meds. I know they’re what’s keeping me sane and I will continue taking them as prescribed. It’s the complete absence of bipolar symptoms that amazes me. I’ve never been more stable in my life. The anxiety isn’t bipolar-related, it comes from somewhere else and is generalized; I can’t name a single thing that’s making me nervous. I will, of course, mention it to Dr. Goodenough during my next appointment in a couple of weeks, unless it goes away between now and then. Even if it does, I still should bring it up…only I’ll probably forget, which wouldn’t be unusual. Haha!

So, that’s been my January. How’s yours?