Out Of Focus

Sorry it’s been so long since my last post. It’s been more springlike lately and I seem to be having some difficulty keeping my grey matter together. I guess I’ll just have to post whatever pops into my head. So here goes:

I’m getting more and more excited about the upcoming trip in December. My sons Ethan and Clark have gotten me more stuff in preparation; this time it’s a hot-pink suitcase that I’ll never have trouble finding at the baggage claim, plus more tropical-flavored T-shirts that ought to be perfect for beachcombing and long hot days at Disney World. I’ve lost enough weight now that I can actually shop at Aeropostale and American Eagle Outfitters, which may not mean much to the everyday person but is just a huge accomplishement for me.

I’m also happy that I’m able to do some walking. I have long avoided outlet malls and big stores because I couldn’t walk more than a few hundred feet without my back and feet killing me. It’s all baby steps (literally), but it’s SO much better than it was. I don’t know if I told all my readers this, but I’ve now lost over 80 pounds. I look like a melting candle. But I’ll take it as long as I can keep going. I’ve almost reached the goal weight I’d wanted to get to in time for the vacation, so anything on top of that is pure cream.

Oops, a food metaphor. I use metaphors a lot. Sometimes I’m afraid I do it too frequently. On my nursing website there’s a thread about how management types turn them into clichés, and I had to add a couple of the ones I hate the most (“we’re gonna knock this right out of the park” and “There is no ‘I’ in ‘team'”). I so don’t miss that about working. All that team-building shit. I always worked better alone. No wonder I had trouble hanging on to jobs…but then as we all know, there’s a lot more to that story.

Sometimes I tease myself (well, OK, it’s more like torturing myself) with the idea of finding a little part-time job to make a few extra bucks. Disability covers my bills but very little else. The trouble is, I still have the same problems I did when I first went on SSDI—I still can’t do much physically, even thought (as I said before) it’s better than it was, and of course there’s my lovely bipolar illness to deal with. I have decompensated because of work I don’t know how many times, even before I was diagnosed five years ago. How do you get around that?? I was out of Geodon for several days and I’ve totally felt weird and wired without it, so I’m reminded that my stability is based on a foundation of sand, not concrete. All I need is job stress to make the whole house of cards collapse again, and I’ve worked too freaking hard to build it up.

Anyway, it’s messy but it’s a blog post. Too much and too little stuff going on in my life at the same time, know what I mean?