Out Of Focus

Sorry it’s been so long since my last post. It’s been more springlike lately and I seem to be having some difficulty keeping my grey matter together. I guess I’ll just have to post whatever pops into my head. So here goes:

I’m getting more and more excited about the upcoming trip in December. My sons Ethan and Clark have gotten me more stuff in preparation; this time it’s a hot-pink suitcase that I’ll never have trouble finding at the baggage claim, plus more tropical-flavored T-shirts that ought to be perfect for beachcombing and long hot days at Disney World. I’ve lost enough weight now that I can actually shop at Aeropostale and American Eagle Outfitters, which may not mean much to the everyday person but is just a huge accomplishement for me.

I’m also happy that I’m able to do some walking. I have long avoided outlet malls and big stores because I couldn’t walk more than a few hundred feet without my back and feet killing me. It’s all baby steps (literally), but it’s SO much better than it was. I don’t know if I told all my readers this, but I’ve now lost over 80 pounds. I look like a melting candle. But I’ll take it as long as I can keep going. I’ve almost reached the goal weight I’d wanted to get to in time for the vacation, so anything on top of that is pure cream.

Oops, a food metaphor. I use metaphors a lot. Sometimes I’m afraid I do it too frequently. On my nursing website there’s a thread about how management types turn them into clichés, and I had to add a couple of the ones I hate the most (“we’re gonna knock this right out of the park” and “There is no ‘I’ in ‘team'”). I so don’t miss that about working. All that team-building shit. I always worked better alone. No wonder I had trouble hanging on to jobs…but then as we all know, there’s a lot more to that story.

Sometimes I tease myself (well, OK, it’s more like torturing myself) with the idea of finding a little part-time job to make a few extra bucks. Disability covers my bills but very little else. The trouble is, I still have the same problems I did when I first went on SSDI—I still can’t do much physically, even thought (as I said before) it’s better than it was, and of course there’s my lovely bipolar illness to deal with. I have decompensated because of work I don’t know how many times, even before I was diagnosed five years ago. How do you get around that?? I was out of Geodon for several days and I’ve totally felt weird and wired without it, so I’m reminded that my stability is based on a foundation of sand, not concrete. All I need is job stress to make the whole house of cards collapse again, and I’ve worked too freaking hard to build it up.

Anyway, it’s messy but it’s a blog post. Too much and too little stuff going on in my life at the same time, know what I mean?

Published by bpnurse

I'm a retired registered nurse and writer who also happens to be street-rat crazy, if the DSM-IV.....oops, 5---is to be believed. I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder at the age of 55, and am still sorting through the ashes of the flaming garbage pile that my life had become. Here, I'll share the lumps and bumps of a late-life journey toward sanity.... along with some rants, gripes, sour grapes and good old-fashioned whining from time to time. It's not easy being bipolar in a unipolar world; let's figure it out together.

4 thoughts on “Out Of Focus

  1. Congratulations on the weight loss!

    A couple of years ago, with the help of my pdoc, I tapered off of Geodon. The weird feelings just kept getting worse and worse until it felt like my skeleton was trying to crawl out of my skin. It was worse than getting off Xanax a few years before that, and getting off Xanax was pretty rough. In the end, it didn’t work out after all that effort, I became very unstable without an atypical, and we tried a fair number of others until we just had to switch back to Geodon. It’s been the best I’ve ever been on, but I truly don’t like taking it. Even though it’s not been a huge weight gainer for me, I seem to hit a plateau of weight that I just can’t seem to drop below. The plateau is lower than any other atypical, but it’s there.

    Have fun on your trip!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi! I’ve followed you for a while now, and thought I’d introduce myself, because we have so much in common.

    I, like you, am a nurse. I have bipolar disorder, and I have also lost 85-90 pounds, depending on the day. 🙂 I had to give up nursing due to a physical impairmemt, (hurt my shoulder lifting a pt., permanent damage), and due to my mental health. I miss being a RN desperately, but when I tried to go back, I had a breakdown. I’ve not worked now for 4 years.

    I have applied to a greenhouse/landscaping place, and have an interview forthcoming. I love gardening and getting my hands dirty. It is a full time position, and I am so so scared that I’m not physically or mentally able to work. However, it is seasonal, so if I can just hack it for a few months, then I may be able to recoup on my months off. This is my hope anyway.

    I look forward to your posts. It’s nice to have so much in common with someone else. Keep fighting the good fight. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Dara, nice to “meet” you. You and I do have a lot in common! I hope you do get the job and that you thrive in it. I also hope you’ll keep up your good work on losing weight, if you need to lose more. Please let me know how it goes. 🙂


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