Whine & Cheese

This is a vent post, so if you don’t want to read further, I’ll understand. I didn’t really want to write it either. But there’s some stuff I need to get off my chest, and it’s far better for me to do it here than take it out on the people I love, who are innocent of any wrongdoing. It’s just me.

First complaint: Wonky sleep. This is NEVER a good thing. I’m having trouble falling asleep again, and I’m waking up during the night as well. The hours between seven and 10 AM provide the best sleep of the night, and I often end up not emerging from my room till after 11 because I’m so reluctant to leave the comfort of my warm blankets. (Well, and I use my light for 30 minutes every morning so I have to include that time in the equation.)

This makes me appear lazy, and to some extent I am. What nobody really knows is how late I’m up at night…most of the time, I’m not ready for sleep till two or three in the morning. I take my meds at the same time every night, but they don’t kick in for hours. Maybe I need to take Klonopin for a little while to help kick the insomnia; it’s right handy at making me sleep. I just hate the idea of getting back into the habit (if only for a short time) because it took some doing to get off of it, and I’m proud of myself for that.

Second complaint: I’m irritable and bitchy. Ordinary sounds bother me; more intense noises, such as video games, make me crazy; and neither TV nor music drowns them out. I don’t mean to be such a grouch, but almost everything bugs me these days and I am apt to go off. I even started an argument with my sister-in-law over something totally stupid, like a magazine I wasn’t done with that she’d accidentally tossed in the recycle bin. I’ve been really uptight lately about my things being moved around, and I sort of lost my shit. (No screaming fits though.)

It’s OK now, we kissed and made up so to speak, but I wish I’d kept my freaking mouth shut. It’s all I can do not to scream when there’s two or three teenagers going in and out, in and out, all day and half the night, but one of them lives here and has the right to have friends over. Again, nothing against anyone else, it’s just me.

Gripe number three: my weight is in freefall, and so is my hair. I won’t shed any tears about the 60+ pounds I’ve dropped since Will passed away, but it seems to go hand-in-glove with the hair loss. Even my son-in-law Clark is officially worried, because the stuff is coming out by the fistful to the point that we both wonder how it is that I am not bald. I can’t blame it on thyroid problems; my recent test showed normal function. Nor is it due to malnutrition—my labs came back fine in that department as well. That leaves only stress as a potential cause, and unfortunately it makes sense. Stress? What stress? I’m only a widow of six months who’s lost her mate and a good portion of her independence. I don’t even have my own car anymore, thanks to the wreck I had in November. Not that I go many places by myself…I just wish I had the option.

So that’s my little pity party. I have to admit I feel a little better after whining for a bit. Now if I can only get a couple of nights’ decent sleep, who knows, the irritability might go away and all will be well. And by the way: if you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading!


Published by bpnurse

I'm a retired registered nurse and writer who also happens to be street-rat crazy, if the DSM-IV.....oops, 5---is to be believed. I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder at the age of 55, and am still sorting through the ashes of the flaming garbage pile that my life had become. Here, I'll share the lumps and bumps of a late-life journey toward sanity.... along with some rants, gripes, sour grapes and good old-fashioned whining from time to time. It's not easy being bipolar in a unipolar world; let's figure it out together.

9 thoughts on “Whine & Cheese

  1. Does Trazadone work for you? proc increased mine instead of adding more klonipin
    and helped. but I feel like you. meds don’t work till when ever they want. and i sleep best in 5- 9 am but am. accused of being lazy and wasting life. I have managed ttstop.si g vaneand bring in over twice the money. But me having opinion on things makes him crazy. So this will be done soon.. Hurts but i am over it. At 60 I feel
    I am entitled to.my opinion on some things. I have incredible urge to run away. But not really depressed just tired of all the shot. same as everyone before I am always the one to be chamging. Honest to God he has not drank since Jan 1st.he decided on his own. But tonight Alabama played inChampionship game and he bought his large bottle of wine and as usual finished it in 5 hrs. he drinks it on ice in iced tea mason jar. and when Clemson started to beat Alabama in last 3.mins.. He was Hollaring at me as I did not know shot about football
    and it was.my fault they lost. I grew up with football se as him and He is 3 yrs older. so now he is sleeping upstairs on carpet. My youngest daughter is coming Thurs from Hawaii and we are leaving say to go to Quantico for her Service dog training classes
    15 days In a row and she asked me to go with her and i really want tto…but now what do I do. he wont hurt the house.Probably be thrilled I am gone.And I will have my car and he has none so w/o t get far. I am eexhausted..stress, watching everything I say, and it is very cold here and have not felt 3 toes on left foot since last yr. The RSD causes that and nothing to be done but exhausting but i am not supposed to rest during day..unless it is a day.he wants to nothing. now tomorrow he is liable to act like he does not remember anything?? Moving to Cleveland his idea started all this. He is like a totally different person
    i have offered to.move. i did not want to move here. He says he likes Nick but i think he is very intimidated by him
    He is work i g on fixing up guest house so we could rent it but has taken 2 mos on one bedroom. Carpenter’s are very strange
    Kate’s father was one and al.ost exact same sshit..itnot after 3 mos together. He planned to work here but no attempts to get drivers license or look at a car. wanted to do wood working but took over a month to.build grandbaby a high chair. Great job but the number of hours on it was unreal. I think the real issue is he never had any kids. was married once at 19 for 4 yyrs..and multiple live- ins some as long as 4 yrs.

    But for me i am trying so hard, avoiding all conflicts. But sometimes i am just mindi g my own business. I lnow you all will love this….bipolar is in my head, RSD is nothing, PTSD only happens to soldiers with amputation, if i did more i could get stronger and hhve a better life??? Now that part did hurt!

    I cannpt understamd how an alcohoic can go over 60 days not drinking and then this!!
    When we met he said light social drinker! Cause alcohol is a deal breaker for me. of course he thinks my Pdoc should be punched in the face and i am so stupid to go to quack Drs. He hasnot seen a Dr exceptin 30s when his footgot run overbythe cement truck on job. No meds npt even TTylenol..o course wine is self medicating.

    i will need you guys sooner or later. Thanks

    Liked by 1 person

    1. If this is a duplicate just delete it, I tried to leave it via phone and it never works …

      I am so sorry you are having a hard time! Aside from the external, there is the irritating fact that those of us with bipolar CAN NOT go without sleep for any length of time – my dr. used to say 3 nights in a row with less than 6 hours (and I know, you require less than I) – anyway less than the norm x3 nights NEEDED to be hit with a hammer – or in your case Klonipen (or you can call your doctor for an alternative). In my case, Benadryl, which I have come to just take every night. Talk about a hammer!

      The irritability etc could indicate early hypomania (so can insomnia – a classic case of “which came first.”). Of course the externals can aggravate you – can the game players use headphones at least for now, and limit foot traffic to certain hours? It’s only common courtesy anyway in a shared living situation. Get S.I.L. to help negotiate these terms. Finally hair loss – certain meds can aggravate/cause hair loss, have you looked that up? And really finally – it’s ok to vent here. Honest!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for writing, especially about the hair loss. Looks like stress and rapid weight loss are the culprits here…I just don’t know what to do about it. Maybe it’ll resolve on its own. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Sounds awful Nan 😦 Keep your own mental health number one so you can deal with all this rationally. You said alcohol was a deal breaker and maybe that is the criteria you need to remember – this is not going to work as long as this kind of drinking is going on, maybe do some Al-Anon online? (((HUGS)))

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I totally agree on the hair loss. First, I am 57 and have noticed several of my friends have thinning hair. Second, I had a friend who lost weight quickly and her hair is so thin it’s unbelievable.
    Personally, I think you are sleeping too late to get the most out of your day. I agree with those who mention other meds, benadryl, or even back on the Klonopin. Do you have a daily schedule or minor things to get done each day? You need a reason to get up.
    I would be proactive with your sister-in-law and others. “Susie, I am super sorry I am so irritable. I will try to get along, but it just breaks through sometimes. If that happens (again), please excuse me and let me apologize.”
    Another thing you might do is buy or make a card for anyone you offend. Write a nice note in there about their good characteristics and how much you appreciate them. Everyone likes to hear this kind of stuff.
    You are doing much better then I would. Love to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh, I can so relate with you on this with the sleep issues. I do take Clonazepam. I was weaning off of it, but life just keeps happening and I need to sleep sometimes. All the time would be preferable, but I’ll take what I can get. I can go well over 40 hours with no sleep at all, not even one minute, but then when I do sleep, I’m still just as tired with this damn Chronic Fatigue Syndrome…………..I take enough meds to put a horse to sleep and it doesn’t even phase me. So frustrating. I can certainly understand why you wouldn’t be sleeping, but I sure hope you can get some sleep soon because I know all too well…..when I don’t sleep, I’m not the nicest person in town, but I feel I have the right to do the bitching I do with all my crap. HUGS Take care. I’ll be praying and sending lot’s of good, strong, healing vibes your way. Peace out!

    Liked by 1 person

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