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It’s All Situational

December 10, 2016

OK, I’ll admit it: I am mildly depressed.

As I said in another post, it’s hard to look forward to the holidays when you’ve lost the love of your life. It’s hard to look forward to anything, to be honest. My birthday, his birthday, etc., both of which are coming up soon. And of course winter, my least favorite season, is on its way with its grey skies and rain and the occasional snowflake. My light box is keeping the worst of it away, but still…I am not having a good time.

I’m just about convinced that I suffer from major depressive disorder, rather than bipolar. I haven’t had a full-blown manic episode in three years, but I have had several nasty depressions since I was diagnosed and I can’t help wondering if the BP diagnosis is really the right one. If I sound confused, it’s only because I am—how is it that the meds keep the mania away, but not the depression? And here’s another thing: I’m sick to death of taking pills. Twice a day, every day. It gets boring. I know better than to go off them, but I sure get tired of dealing with them.

I realize this is all situational, therefore I’m not particularly worried about myself. I just need to vent. I don’t have any suicidal thoughts; in fact, I don’t think I’ve ever felt less like wanting to end it all. (Well, other than when I’m high.) I have a family that would be devastated if I were to make an early exit. And as much as I miss Will, I only wish he were here with me—I’m not ready to be with him. There’s a big difference.

But I am definitely down in the dumps, even if it IS situational. And I know there’s no medicine that can ease this pain…I just have to go through it. Dr. Goodenough says it takes an average of three years for a widow/er to get back to whatever passes for “normal”, and even then life is never the same.

I believe it. It’s only been five months since Will passed, and while I’ve gotten somewhat used to the idea that he’s really gone, I’m nowhere near ready to move on with my life. Tears are never far from the surface, although I’ve gotten better at controlling them. It won’t do to have my nose perpetually buried in a handful of Kleenex. I allow myself to indulge in crying when there’s nobody around, although there are times when a song or something on TV catches me by surprise and I can’t help it.

That happened last Sunday as I was driving to church; I was listening to the car stereo when “Where Are You Christmas” came on. The lyrics that got to me were “My world is changing, I’m rearranging, does that mean Christmas changes too?” Boy, does it ever. Of course, I lost it and boo-hooed all the way to the church. I had to sit in the parking lot for some fifteen minutes to glue myself back together.

That’s why I treasure every moment spent with family. I love it when we’re all sitting around the living room talking and/or eating; it takes my mind off my sadness. I know Ethan and Clark make a special effort to spend time with me, and I bless them for it. They work hard and for long hours every day, and they can’t possibly know what it means to me. So I’ll say it here, and maybe they’ll read it so they know how very much I love them.

That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. What is yours?

 

 

 

 

 

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. December 10, 2016 10:29 pm

    I think you are doing exceptionally well considering what you have gone through. I hope you know we are all praying for you and your family. I am so thankful for the kids being with you and showing you their love. You have every reason to be down right now, I’m sending you hugs and support sweetie.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. December 11, 2016 2:14 am

    Praying for you. I’m having trouble this Christmas too, my mother died 8 years ago, but every Christmas without her seems worse. This was her time of the year.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Iambizi permalink
    December 11, 2016 5:54 am

    (((((HUGS)))))
    Be kind to yourself.
    bizi

    Liked by 1 person

  4. December 13, 2016 12:48 am

    I don’t understand it either, why my depression will leak through the meds but not the mania. But I have no doubt it is there!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Katie permalink
    December 21, 2016 3:42 am

    I feel like I could have written this post myself. Everything you described is what I’m feeling at the moment. Especially since winter has begun here in Tennessee and the grey days are taking over. It’s amazing how much the weather can effect my moods. I also am wondering if BP2 is my correct diagnosis. I have never experienced full blown mania, just very mild hypomania, but the depression still comes… Keep writing. I love reading your blog 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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