It’s coming up on three months since Will passed, and his absence is still so keenly felt that it takes my breath away sometimes. The enormity of what I have lost is overwhelming; I see all these couples everywhere, and for a moment I often find myself filled with rage that it’s not US anymore…it’s just me, going on alone.
But I’m not alone.
I am blessed with what is arguably THE best support system ever created by human beings. I have a great many friends both in real life and online, but my family—especially the part of it that I live with—is particularly awesome. They are here for me whenever I need them, and even when I think I don’t. They’re the reason I’m doing as well as I am…there is always a shoulder to cry on, and strong arms to hold me when I fall apart. Clark’s mother, Shelley, is also a valuable asset as she is well-versed in widowhood, and she often has the perfect answers to my questions about what to expect as I learn to go on without Will.
I have other family members who have also been wonderful to me as we mourn him. But they have their own lives to live, and we don’t communicate as often as I would like. I have to remember that they, too, have lost an important person in their lives, and they are probably struggling with it just as I am. I remember how it was when my own father died, how bereft I felt of the parent who had made family his priority too. People like that are irreplaceable, and often the remaining parent doesn’t measure up.
Even so, being in the warmth of kith and kin fills me with contentment. I love nothing better than evenings spent together in front of a roaring fire from the pellet stove, sharing a meal and talking about the issues of the day (or our next vacation, which is one of my personal favorite topics!). I miss Will’s presence at these gatherings sorely, but I’m learning to accept that this is as good as it’s ever going to get. Works for me.