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I Want to Go Off My Meds. Somebody Please Talk Me Out of It.

April 30, 2016

Well, I do. I admit it. I’m tired of taking fistfuls of pills twice a day and I wish I could stop. Just as an experiment, of course…even though the last time I neglected to take my nighttime meds, I experienced the entire bipolar spectrum the next day and it took two more to straighten myself out. It’s SO not worth the risk.

But, it’s springtime and I want to shake things up. Make life a little more interesting. Maybe even get some motivation to write that book or work on some articles for my nursing website. That little burst of hypomania I had that lasted from late February into the early part of this month gave me some extra energy and I have really, really missed that. Even now, it wouldn’t take much to boot me back into high gear, and if I were at least to cut down on meds I might get through this episode of scrivener’s constipation and be able to produce again. I’ve sadly neglected this blog and I feel bad about that…four posts in a month just isn’t enough to keep readers interested and my statistics are really suffering. But what do you write about when there’s absolutely NOTHING noteworthy going on in your life and you can’t concentrate long enough to put together something coherent?

I can just imagine what Dr. Awesomesauce, Kathy my therapist, and Sarah my p-nurse would have to say about that. The three of ’em would be lined up waiting to kick my ass into the middle of next week, along with my nearest and dearest. Coming off meds would change the family dynamic, in which I’m often the one who stays calm, and even somewhat detached, when the rest of the household is going ape shit. None of these people, with the exception of my son and husband, have ever seen me full-blown manic and it would be better if they never do. So there’s another argument against stopping meds…but still I dream of it.

No, really—I had a dream about it just last night. In the dream I was happy, breezy, and physically active, putting in a garden in the yard I don’t have anymore thanks to the havoc wrought by my last few bipolar wingdings. I wasn’t taking any meds because I was cured and didn’t need them anymore. Forget the awful highs and lows and the dreaded bipolar 1 diagnosis: it was as if I’d never had it in the first place. And when Will came in to wake me up this morning, I asked for another half hour of sleep because I wanted to find out how it all worked out. Alas, when I went back to sleep my mind had already moved on, and if I dreamed after that I don’t remember it.

Of course, I know all the pitfalls of going off psychiatric drugs, and of course I will almost certainly keep toeing the line because I’m too afraid of the potential consequences. I would HATE to end up in the hospital again. And the experts say that the meds aren’t as effective when you restart them as they were before you stopped, and as much medication as I’m on, that risk would be enormous. But oh, on these warm, sunny days when everything seems possible—even though I can’t do much of anything physical anymore—on the inside I can feel all my nerve fibers thrumming with energy and excitement, and I want nothing more than to let go and enjoy it to the fullest.

Then I remember what things were like before the diagnosis and meds, and it makes me grateful for them because they not only explained so much about my earlier life, but gave me tools to make my current life better. I’d have to be literally crazy to go back to the way I was.

I can’t promise forever, but I can say for now that I won’t go off my meds. One day at a time, just like with alcohol. And I’ve been pretty successful along that line. 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. April 30, 2016 8:18 am

    I sure understand! I hate having no ambition and feeling blahhhh all the time

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Just Plain Ol' Vic permalink
    April 30, 2016 11:27 am

    I totally empathize with how you feel, my wife mentions much the same thing. Only once has she gone off (some) of her meds on her own….let’s just say the result almost ended our marriage and there were multiple hospitalizations. So just be careful when you have those thoughts. Take care!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. April 30, 2016 12:20 pm

    I definitely understand the urge. But the consequences could be so awful. I’m glad that you have talked yourself back into staying on them.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. April 30, 2016 5:42 pm

    I’m thinking of you. You already know what you need to do, and I understand the feelings that make you not want to. It’s hard to be just a person just going on with life for one more day when you have something so electric inside you. Offer it up, offer up your obedience to whatever you believe in and love and keep taking your meds. You are doing wonderfully.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. April 30, 2016 5:45 pm

    No…just say no. No again. Uh, no a third time. I get it, believe me I do. I am feeling good right now and some hypo would be heaven. But you and I know it’s not a good idea. Now my pdoc is cutting down on a couple of my meds. Could you do anything like that with medical supervision? If I were your friend irl…I’d tell you that you have too much going on right now to mess with things. Love you.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. lost-one permalink
    April 30, 2016 7:21 pm

    Please don’t. I get it too. I did it myself a few months ago then promptly lost control (or so it felt) of my thought and emotions and landed myself in-patient again. Its not fun.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. May 1, 2016 1:49 am

    Thank you for putting this out here where we can encourage you while saying, yes, we know that desire, we know your frustration. But your health comes first. Period. If you feel flat, maybe under psychiatric supervision, your meds can be tweaked (not eliminated).

    Liked by 1 person

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