It’s a little early for the spring festivities to start, but with the nice weather we had last week I’m not only out of the depression, I feel like I’ve been CATAPULTED out of the depression. While I wouldn’t call this hypomania, I can feel something like it stirring under the surface, manifesting itself in a strangely upbeat mood punctuated by irritability and a touch of agitation (think “happy feet” without music). Needless to say, I’m not the least bit upset about this turn of events, not only because it feels good to not be depressed but because I can FEEL—period.
I’ve never wanted to admit it, but as good as my medication regimen is, it does have the tendency to flatten me out a bit too much emotionally. I’ve missed the passion I used to have and I wish there were some way I could have it without all the crap that comes with being bipolar. Just the taste of it, like I’m experiencing now, is tantalizing and I want more of it. It’s been sooooo long. Besides, along with the great mood comes less anxiety: I’m not waking up freaking out every damn morning, even on days when Will’s feeling icky. Of course, that could be because I believe he’s being very well cared for by hospice, and I have weapons at my disposal to make him feel better when things aren’t going well. That takes a lot off my mind. Maybe more than I think.
I had a great therapy session with Kathy yesterday, too. It was the first one in which I didn’t need Kleenex! I’ve got to hand it to her: she has this way of planting seeds that bloom at some of the most amazing times. For example, at one point I found myself on the topic of my irritation with one person who, on the rare occasion when I have to take them somewhere, has this annoying habit of fussing around in their handbag for minutes on end before they fasten their seat belt. Well, my rule is that I don’t even turn the key in the ignition until everyone is buckled up, and I’ve warned this individual on multiple occasions to stop dilly-dallying so we can just GO already.
In the course of the discussion that followed this confession, it came to me that the real reason for my impatience is that I don’t really enjoy spending time with this person and want the encounter to be over with as quickly as possible. I can take them in limited doses, and they can even be (somewhat) delightful at times; but traveling with them in a car is a brass-plated pain in the ass. Sure glad I don’t have to do that very often.
Another good thing that’s happening along with the advent of a lighter mood: my memory is getting sharper. I even remembered some of the things I’ve told Kathy in the past so I didn’t have to repeat myself, as I often do. WHOOP WHOOP! Who knows, maybe one day soon I’ll be able to read books and remember phone numbers again. And if I could do that, maybe I could even get a part-time job to supplement my Social Security sometime down the road.
But I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself there…for now, it’s enough that I’m out of my two-months-long downtime and back on the upswing. It’s going to be spring soon; the daffodils are starting to poke their little heads up above the cold wet soil, and I heard a rumor that cherry blossoms are starting to appear. Let the games begin!