And Now For Something Entirely Different…..

Just found out yesterday that I have a kidney stone that is so freaking big I have to have surgery to take it out. Instead of doing a nice little non-invasive lithotripsy like the last four procedures I’ve had for these things, they actually have to cut me open and extract the boulder by hand after breaking it up with a laser. This means having a tube in my back for a couple of days, a hospital stay…..and of course, lots and lots of pain.

To say the least, I am not looking forward to any of this. Kidney stone extractions of any kind are miserable experiences at best, and this one sounds like the tortures of the damned. I’ve got a pretty high pain threshold, but even I have my limits and I am NOT going to be a martyr this time—Toradol and Dilaudid will be my best friends during this process, and I will not hesitate to ask for them.

I was a good nurse. I’m not very good at being a patient, though. Not because I’m whiny and demanding—I am not—but because I don’t want to be too much work for my nurses. I know what it’s like to run those floors and I try not to bother them. This is not always beneficial. When I was in my own hospital years ago for a cardiac workup (chest pain), I decided I wasn’t going to ask for help to get to the bathroom in spite of being told I had to. “All the way” to the bathroom was twelve feet. What could go wrong?

I was halfway there when I got dizzy and started to slide to the floor. My nurse caught me just before I hit the deck. After that I was put on a bed alarm which would alert the staff if I tried getting up on my own again. How embarrassing is it to be on a bed alarm in the very same hospital where you work?

So there will be no hijinks this time. I’ll do what they tell me and try to remember that they are there to help me. Besides, I will probably be uncomfortable enough that my usual stubbornness won’t be an issue.

And speaking of medical stuff: it has been three whole months since I’ve seen Dr. Awesomesauce. I have an appointment this coming Monday, and I’m just full of good news that I’m sure he’ll like to hear. What amazes me is that this is the longest time I’ve gone without seeing him in the three years I’ve been his patient…..something I thought would never happen, the way things were during that time. But I’m well, I’m happy, and best of all, I’m stable.  Hard to believe that only six months ago I was suicidal to the point of needing hospitalization. I’ve come a long way since then!

But I’m still not looking forward to this surgery thing, which is June 10th. I have to have the tube put in my kidney the day before, which essentially means two operations for the price of one. Oh goody. I don’t know why they can’t do it all at one time, but I guess since the actual extraction process will take 3-4 hours they don’t want me under anesthesia any longer than is necessary. The tube placement is supposed to be done under conscious sedation…..oh goody again, I get to be AWAKE for this one.

But what the heck. They’ll pump me full of Versed, which is what I call my happy medicine because I get higher than a kite on it. It’s even more fun than hypomania. I have said things under the influence of Versed that I would never say in real life, and laughed my head off while doing it. Cracked up the doctors and nurses too.

I can hardly wait till it’s over, though. Summer is coming and I don’t want to feel like crap. Let’s git-r-done!