It’s amazing what a little money and the relief from worrying about survival can do for a person. This is perhaps the most relaxed I’ve been in my entire adult life; now that I’m free to move on with it, I can lay at least some of what has happened over the past several years to rest and see what’s around the corner.
The idea of being disabled enough to merit SSDI is taking some getting used to, even though the relief that comes with it is almost palpable. I wish I really didn’t need to be on disability, but the truth is I am functional only in this rather diminished role in life…..it’s what I can handle at this point in time, and I’m not going to worry about trying to change it and maybe falling down the rabbit-hole again. And that is very liberating!
It doesn’t hurt that this spring is the first in years when I haven’t gone off the deep end. Yes, I’ve been in an upswing for the past several weeks, but the weather and my normal, natural love for life are what’s driving it, not my bipolar. In fact, this has so little to do with bipolar I almost feel like I should change the name of my blog. But in the back of my mind I remember that as one cycles into mood states, so one also cycles out, and I know this isn’t the end of it. After all, it was only six months ago that I had just gotten out of a mental hospital, still depressed and facing homelessness, and I could very well end up in despair again. Or in a wild state of mania where I’m dancing on the mountains of the moon.
But for now, none of that is happening. My meds are working, my moods are steady, and I’m optimistic about the future. It feels so good not to dread it! It’s like a huge weight has dropped off my shoulders and I can breathe again. Now maybe I can think about volunteering, not where I’m locked into a schedule but something I can do when I’m feeling well. I would love to start a faith-based mental health support group at my church; the only issue with that would be the time commitment and what happens when the inevitable crash occurs. How do you lead if you can’t even manage your own life?
Ah, but that is a worry for another day. Something’s coming, something good…..I can feel it on the warm wind and hear it in the sweet music of Spring.