Crazy Pills

The other day I was thinking about my odyssey through the three years since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and it occurred to me to wonder how I managed the first 53 years of my life without medication. And why, despite taking them regularly, I still have mood episodes—one serious enough to land me in the hospital.

What did I do before this diagnosis and all these drugs came into my life? For one thing, I worked full time and made a decent living. I lived in a nice house in a nice neighborhood, grew vegetables in the dirt and hosted the big holidays. In short, I was a responsible adult living the American Dream, and if I was often restless and agitated or bouncing off the walls, it just meant I was working too hard.

Enter the bipolar DX and meds with names like Zyprexa and Klonopin, which I sometimes suspect of making me wackier than I already am. Surely it can’t be mere coincidence that my mood cycles seem to be more frequent…..hell, maybe the crazy pills are to blame and I need to stop them to see if I can get back to my old normal.

And then…..I remember what my old normal was like.

I used to rage and scream about even the most trivial things. I used to be paranoid about being spied on. I used to be scared of almost everything. I also used to be so mercurial that my family never knew which version of me would come home on a given night.

None of that happens anymore. The crazy pills stay. ‘Nuff said.

Published by bpnurse

I'm a retired registered nurse and writer who also happens to be street-rat crazy, if the DSM-IV.....oops, 5---is to be believed. I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder at the age of 55, and am still sorting through the ashes of the flaming garbage pile that my life had become. Here, I'll share the lumps and bumps of a late-life journey toward sanity.... along with some rants, gripes, sour grapes and good old-fashioned whining from time to time. It's not easy being bipolar in a unipolar world; let's figure it out together.

8 thoughts on “Crazy Pills

  1. I know what you mean about losing your life. I became depressed when I was 48. By age 50 i was bedridden unable to function. I then became manic and the diagnosis was made. I lost my job, house, my husband and what friends I had left. The only thing I had was my kids and my sister. I have dated since but when they hear ” bipolar” they run.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I hate the meds…other than the Klonopin…but am afraid my husband and kids would up and leave if I went off them. I just don’t think I could keep crawling into recovery without them.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think it ain’t black and white and the pills can be helping SOME symptoms, while screwing you up in another ways.

    Same with my herbals. My SJW tincture takes me out of depression quite quickly, but tends to worsen my anxiety and sleep issues. Calming stuff tends to make me too mellow, so I only use it for sleep or in extreme cases. It’s a balance. Delicate ones.

    So just because you are somewhat better off on pills doesn’t mean they cannot in fact worsen the overall cycling and cause additional problems. Maybe when you are settled for long enough, it might be a good idea to look at what you take and consider slowly changing it up to see if you can eliminate some of the problems. From what I read on this blog, your pills work until they don’t, then something gets added or upped and it works until it doesn’t… and so on. You deserve better.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Those are some important considerations. It’s true, seems like things are added or dosages increased, and then they never get back to where they were. My pdoc often talks about lowering the doses or cutting out one or two meds, but I’ve never been stable long enough to experiment, and the few times I’ve tried were a disaster. There’s got to be a better way…..


      1. Every now and then my pastor will suggest that my sx are DUE to my meds or aggravated by. One time he was right – I was so suicidal – I talked to the dr and she made a change and phew! things got much better. Unfortunately I can’t remember what did what. 😦 There are just too many things to keep track of! I need to keep a med journal along with an every other thing journal… grr…

        Liked by 1 person

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