I realized something today as I was “chatting” with some of my friends on Facebook about yesterday’s blog post. Several of them mentioned that I might still be in a bit of denial about my illness, as I tend to perseverate on the idea of reducing my medications in the face of overwhelming evidence that this is NOT a good idea. At first I was somewhat defensive—getting that bipolar 1 diagnosis put an end to any illusions about the nature of the disease—but then it occurred to me that there is a subtle difference between merely not being in denial and fully accepting a thing. And I am stuck in the middle.
I’m not sure why this is, and I’m not going to ruminate on it for long because that won’t get me any closer to resolving it. But knowing I still have some acceptance work to do is something of a disappointment. So many times I’ve thought that battle was over, and yet evidence keeps surfacing that it isn’t. Good Lord, you’d think that after almost three years of fighting this thing, I’d have surrendered to its reality. But while I am no longer denying the presence of the illness itself, I have yet to come to terms with it.
As usual, my friends reminded me that it’s not how many or how few pills I need to control the beast. The fact is the meds help me, and messing with dosages would be foolish, which is why Dr. Awesomesauce is leaving them the way they are. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out. Yet I still dream of a day when I’ve been stable for long enough that we can try cutting down…..not wanting to admit that day may never arrive. It shouldn’t matter. It does. And I don’t know what it’ll take to get me to the point where it won’t.
What I do know is that I’m grateful for the wisdom shared by so many wonderful people. They’ve seen me through both depression and mania, darkness and light, thick and thin. I take their counsel seriously because they want only the best for me. Sometimes they are sympathetic, and sometimes I get my butt handed to me, but at no time have I ever had to question their motives. I’m pretty choosy about the people I allow to be close to me, but overall, I have the best support system on the planet…..and it’s because of them that I’m still here, trying to figure out how to get unstuck. 🙂