Life In Limbo

Funny how the brain likes to chew on bits and pieces of information without really doing anything with it…..well, other than spitting it out at random moments. My thoughts are scattered all over the place and don’t seem to have a beginning or an end…..they all seem to start in the middle. Like this one: I just put my name along with Will’s on our church’s prayer list. I never thought about it before today, but I figure since I’m still struggling with depression I can use all the help I can get. He’s been on the list for over a year, but I guess I never thought of my own disease as being “worthy” of having people send up prayers on my behalf at every Mass. I may have been wrong.

Speaking of the Almighty…..it’s beginning to dawn on me that these trials and tribulations might be intended to teach me a few things about compassion. I used to be a very compassionate person, but all that just seemed to slip away as I became more and more burned-out in nursing. I have to confess that I’ve been judgmental toward those who didn’t have their act together like I did <laughs> and even contemptuous of people who don’t believe the same way I do about politics, religion, and the economy. Well, karma is a brass-plated bitch, and I can’t help wondering if God sent me all these hardships in order to turn my thinking around.

I wish I could say “OK, Lord, I get it now!!” and be allowed to go back to my comfortable life…..but somehow I don’t believe that’s part of the plan.

Went to the housing authority this afternoon. The waiting list is two to three YEARS. As always, the preference is for young families with kids, but they do consider disabled adults and people with terminal illnesses as something of a priority as well. Here’s where our health issues might help us, at least in the long run—Will with his stage IV cancer, and me with my “serious mental illness”.

Speaking of disability: my case seems to be moving along pretty swiftly. I’ve gotten through the first three batches of paperwork, and now Dr. Awesomesauce’s office says their part of it has arrived and I need to fill out a form granting them permission to send my records to Social Security. That’s easily done, as I see him next Monday. At least a couple of things seem to be going right—the fundraiser my friend is running for me has done well so far. As for SSDI, I expect a long wait, and I expect the misery index to be extremely high in the meantime; but I’ll take whatever encouragement I can find.

Oh yeah, I forgot to tell my attorney about my hospitalization and the new diagnosis. How stupid is THAT?? So I sent him an E-mail that went “Oh, by the way…..” That information may not be of great help to my case, but it damn sure won’t hurt it; silly me to blow it off for over a month!

But then, that’s life in limbo. I’m having trouble finishing what I start, and it’s a challenge for me to think in a linear fashion. Bleah.