Survival Mode

I’m getting anxious again.

We have a week and a half before we’re supposed to be out of this house, Will’s been too sick to pack stuff and we have NO money for a place to live—we may have enough to rent a storage shed and a moving truck, but that’s about it. Not only that, our car registration and insurance are due, as is my RN license renewal (and yes, I plan to renew one more time “just in case”). I will also need meds during the course of the month. Six hundred and sixty-eight dollars don’t go very far…..and in this situation, nowhere near far enough.

I don’t know what else to do. We’ve applied for food stamps and I’m working on the forms for Medicaid, but we can’t get cash assistance because we don’t have dependent children. We still need to apply for housing assistance, which will take a while, and we also have yet to go to our church and see if they can help us out. How humiliating is all of that? And how do you let everybody know where you’re going to be when you don’t even know?

The timing couldn’t possibly be worse (as if there’s a good time for any of this). Winter is coming quickly, and so are the holidays, although I’ve had to give up on the notion of Christmas entirely and put it out of my mind. That’s the least of our problems, anyway; what we need now is a bunch of strong bodies to help us box up and move our stuff, and a place to put it…..not to mention a place to put ourselves.

This is how people give up a normal life and move into survival mode. I don’t know how we’re going to get out of this except the hard way. I never believed things would come down to the wire like this…..we’re supposed to look at a room in someone’s house on Thursday, but if we can’t scrape together the money to rent it, it’s a useless exercise. Family members keep telling us they won’t let us live on the street, but there’s no room at the inn.

So, I’m freaking out a little. And yes, the occasional ‘sui’ thought comes down the pike, but those are banished FAST and with little difficulty, as I’m very well-medicated and I have much better control of my thought processes than I did prior to going inpatient. Besides, thoughts are not actions, and I don’t have to follow through with them. I didn’t always know that.

But it doesn’t prevent me from being scared. I think back to how this year began, with boundless optimism and high anticipation…..and then came all of this crap. I’d never have believed it could be possible to fall this far, this fast if I weren’t living every excruciating moment of it. But now I know that catastrophic losses do happen, and life will never be the same even if we manage to rebound from this and have a life again, as diminished as it may be.

If you’re a praying person, please send up a few petitions for us; if not, positive energies and good thoughts will do. We need all the help we can get.


Published by bpnurse

I'm a retired registered nurse and writer who also happens to be street-rat crazy, if the DSM-IV.....oops, 5---is to be believed. I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder at the age of 55, and am still sorting through the ashes of the flaming garbage pile that my life had become. Here, I'll share the lumps and bumps of a late-life journey toward sanity.... along with some rants, gripes, sour grapes and good old-fashioned whining from time to time. It's not easy being bipolar in a unipolar world; let's figure it out together.

8 thoughts on “Survival Mode

  1. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I will pray for you, over and over. I am so close to where you are. It helps to read how hard you’re working to survive. Positive thoughts coming your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Always praying for you.. I know you do not want to leave Oregon but would a limited stay here. And you can hold out for SS disability. I am aware of your DR’s, family etc but I think you are at the end of your rope. Several people have expressed a desire to contribute limited funds to help you get here., Could you maybe put stuff in storage and stay the holidays with your kids and come after Christmas. Would be best to drive so you could have vehicle. Large upstairs bedroom with queen bed, furnished and another room that could be used for storage or as a den. full private bath. if i had more money i would send some bbut offering my home is the best i can do!!!
    And it is free!! which is what you need at this point.

    AS I see it trying for a short time with saving money.

    discuss with Dr A and he might agree to phone therapy for several months. i have unlimited plan on my IPhone.

    Maybe you could save some money and when SSDi gets approved it would start in at bank you have it sent to so you will have access.You are welcome to bring your dogs.Have fence yard.
    hope you have a place to eat tomorrow.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We’re going to be at our son’s place tomorrow, so yes, our Thanksgiving will be a good one. Not too sure about what comes after it, but I’m seeing our priest on Friday to get some help, maybe with a little money or help with moving our stuff to a storage facility. And I’m afraid that driving across the country isn’t an option, because our car is falling apart and we’d probably never make it. I do appreciate your offer though. 🙂


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