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Rock-Bottom Blues

October 29, 2014

***TRIGGER WARNING*** Bad, bad thoughts ahead.

This is it—I have found it—I am in Hell. Or at least my version of it, anyway. Things have fallen through at my son’s so Will and I can’t move in with him, and as of now we have nowhere to go.

Nowhere to go.

To say I am terrified would be the understatement of the year. It’s a nightmare knowing that we will literally be homeless in another couple of weeks unless some miracle occurs and we find someplace to hang our hats, at least for a while. I never believed that life could come to this. I never thought it would come to this. But with every box that gets packed, every sentimental piece I wrap in newspaper and pray I will get to use again, the reality sinks in further and it hits me yet again: this is all happening because of me. Because of my disease. Because I couldn’t cope with my old life anymore.

I’ve been told that I can’t move forward if I don’t learn to forgive myself for the things I can’t help. But how does one move forward when what lies ahead is even more frightening than the present reality? I don’t want to be here for this, let alone the future if all I can expect is more of the same (or worse). Don’t get me wrong—I’m not planning to do anything stupid—but these thoughts are coming at me like seagulls dive-bombing a picnic table and I can’t push them away entirely. I think about Will and how it might be easier for him to find housing if he were alone—nobody would let an older man with cancer live in a car. Maybe one of the kids would take him in if it was just him and not the two of us. He’s pretty low-maintenance, and he’s helpful too.

But I also know that he’d never be the same if I were to make for the exit, and the kids would just be pissed at me. I don’t want them to be pissed at me. And I lack the guts to take being thought of as a coward, even though I personally don’t see suicide as a cowardly act. I’m only talking about it because it’s the way my brain is wired—I’ve NEVER gone through a serious life crisis without thinking of it at least once—and this is my most spectacular failure in my entire fifty-five years on this planet. But I’m going to stick around because a) I have an insane need to see just how many more indignities I can handle, b) that could be useful knowledge, and c) I haven’t hit rock bottom quite yet. That will probably come on that first night in the car or at the shelter.

In the meantime, it looks like everything is a go for the cats to be taken to their new home on Saturday. I’m still amazed at that miracle, and of course I’m still praying that God will see fit to squeeze out one more for Will and me. Trouble is, I can barely stand to spend time with them now…..it hurts too much to pet them and hear them purr, knowing they’ll be gone in just a few days. They’ll be OK, even though they won’t understand what’s happening, and they are NOT going to be happy about the four-hour drive, in carriers no less. I wonder if we’ll ever have cats again; part of me believes I don’t deserve them. But then, part of me stubbornly clings to the certainty that all of this is my fault, no matter how many people tell me otherwise.

So, how DO I move forward? I’m sorry as hell about the past, I fear the future, and the present isn’t much of a picnic either. How do I stop blaming myself when it all leads right back to me?

 

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. October 29, 2014 1:18 pm

    I am so sorry about the move in to the kids – 😦 wow. I would also be blown away. I am praying for you, meanwhile, check w/ the City to see if they know of resources, check w/ Dr. A’s office,the local hospital must have a list of places you can call, and yes, call the church. I am reminded of a verse, if you can hear it – Draw nigh unto God, and He will draw nigh unto you. xoxo hugs and huge prayers!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. October 29, 2014 5:35 pm

    hugs praying it works out for you as well

    Liked by 1 person

  3. October 30, 2014 12:29 am

    You cannot control whether or not you have bipolar disorder, and you know that. You need temporary housing. The cheapest and smallest available. Heck, I lived in humble motels as a teen, not for such drastic reasons, but still we did it as a family of four. House searching having moved from outside Philadelphia back to LA. We lived in a series of increasingly cheaper motels for four months. You can cope. It will be hard. Even if your kids can’t welcome you into their homes, they might be able to help with rent until you get SSDI and maybe Section 8 (?). I will pray that some resources become available to you. Contact your department of social services to find out what is available. You are in need. You paid taxes all those years, get what you paid for: food stamps, Medicare, SSDI, Section 8, you name it. Do your research. Look it up. Find a cheap temporary place to live. And then look for something better yet still affordable. You are in my prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. October 30, 2014 10:02 pm

    Thinking of you. When my mom went into hospice, we wound up with her beloved cat. We didn’t really want her…we had two cats and three dogs. After about a week,she had wormed her way into our hearts and is happy as a clam. I know she doesn’t miss mom a bit. Your kitties will be just fine. Focus on yourselves…honestly, I think it’s normal to default to the worst thoughts when we are under amazing stress. Don’t knock yourself, just be glad you have some brakes in place.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. November 27, 2014 9:44 pm

    So very sorry to hear of your dilemma…God where this disease can take us??? But I believe it will work out for you and God has his own plans. You are being very hard on yourself but I also understand how it feels when we find ourselves in situations where we end up blaming ourselves but it doesn’t change anything and while it is extremely difficult,,just try and stay in the moment when you feel overwhelmed by it all. I won’t mention the cats(just did) so painful. You will have cats again and plenty of them,,,believe. I will pray for you as I your fear and uncertainty is almost palpable….A day at a time, an hour or a minute, just hang in there. Believe and if you can’t we will believe for you. So stop blaming yourself for something you had no control over because it achieves nothing, Good luck and will be thinking of you. Nicky

    Liked by 1 person

    • November 28, 2014 6:27 am

      Thank you so much for your heartfelt message. I’ve been better since I was hospitalized and got some intensive therapy and a couple of med tweaks, although life is still being very unkind and I don’t know exactly when or where the fall will stop. I hope God’s plan doesn’t include having us living out of the car and freezing…..I am so afraid of the cold, I hate being cold.

      Like

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