Depression On My Mind

One of the advantages of admitting one is depressed is it takes all the pressure off to pretend otherwise. I’ve fought it tooth and nails for over a week, but the truth is I feel lousy and I may as well acknowledge it. There’s no use in trying to pass it off as a little blip on the radar, or blame it solely on what’s going on in my life (although that definitely triggered it). It just is, and it stinks on ice. Or as Dr. Awesomesauce poetically put it the other day, “You feel stuck, and it sucks”.

It’s not ALL suckage, as yesterday’s amazing Facebook hook-up goes to prove. Will and I have to give up our three cats because the family members we’re moving in with are wildly allergic—the kind of allergic that requires the carrying of an Epi-Pen—and I posted my dilemma on FB. Before the day was out, however, I not only had a friend who would take all three, but another friend agreed to drive them to Seattle and still another is going to finance the trip. Now I won’t have to worry about them, because I know where they’ll be and that they’ll get to stay together. I already miss them, even though they’re still here…..but at least there’ll be a happy ending to their story. Who says there are no miracles anymore?

I’m still majorly bummed out about pretty much everything else, though, and that doesn’t help matters. I’ve apologized to Will a hundred times because I’m basically useless and he doesn’t need me to be sick now. Of course, he doesn’t blame me for anything and is doing everything he can to raise my spirits; luckily for us both he has succeeded in quashing my budding suicidal ideation (the last thing on earth he should have to deal with at this tough time in HIS life). It wasn’t as serious as it was back in June when I was really down, it was only fleeting and I think it just happened because that’s the way my mind works in depression: I want OUT, dammit!

But there is no way out of either the depression or the situation, only through it, and I know that. I keep trying to do what Dr. A said and seek the opportunities in it; never one to blow sunshine up my skirt, he still thinks I can turn this into a positive thing, and he’s probably right. I just haven’t found the good stuff yet, and being in a downswing makes it really hard to look for it.

This, too, shall pass…..



Published by bpnurse

I'm a retired registered nurse and writer who also happens to be street-rat crazy, if the DSM-IV.....oops, 5---is to be believed. I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder at the age of 55, and am still sorting through the ashes of the flaming garbage pile that my life had become. Here, I'll share the lumps and bumps of a late-life journey toward sanity.... along with some rants, gripes, sour grapes and good old-fashioned whining from time to time. It's not easy being bipolar in a unipolar world; let's figure it out together.

4 thoughts on “Depression On My Mind

  1. My pdoc told me almost the exact same thing. “try and turn it to a positive experience” .. “no way out, only through”… “don’t get frustrated; try and embrace it or at least ride it out without beating yourself up”. I know he’s right, but I’ll be damned if I can figure out how to manage that. When I’m having an episode, regardless of the type, I am unable to function as a human. The irritability and dysphasia of hypomania is so severe I can barely figure out the day of the week, let alone control my thoughts. “You shall not pass!” says the brain. I’m just telling myself there IS a way, but like you I’m still searching for that golden egg… “this too, shall pass.” will echo in the recesses of my mind today. Thank you for Sharing, bpnurse.


    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dr. A may be right. Only time will tell. Often life is what we make of it, in spite of unwanted and unfortunate circumstances. So glad your cats found a new loving home. Best of luck. In my thoughts and prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

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