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Singing The Blues

October 22, 2014

OK, I’ll admit it: I am officially in a depressive episode. It says so right on my paperwork from Dr. Awesomesauce’s office. It’s what they call an “atypical” depression, which is common in bipolar people, meaning I sleep too much and eat too much junk but can still derive some pleasure from enjoyable experiences, like watching The Big Bang Theory. It is also what Dr. A considers a perfectly understandable downswing, given the fact that I am grieving the loss of my old life and having trouble visualizing a happy ending to this story.  Even so, I hate it, because it’s more than just sadness. It’s hopelessness.

As is usually the case with these episodes, I have trouble getting out of bed in the morning, and occasionally I’m so wiped out that I need an afternoon nap. I don’t feel like showering or grooming myself, and I’m spending too many days lounging in the old sweats that double as pajamas. I have a million things to do in order to prepare for this move and don’t want to do any of it…..today all I could manage was to take down all the pictures off the walls, and I cried through most of it. The act of removing the wall hangings symbolized everything that’s wrong with life these days, and I just couldn’t help myself, even as I cursed myself for doing it. I HATE crying. It does no good, and I look like hell afterwards.

I also asked Will how he was managing. Dr. A questioned me about that yesterday, and all I could say was that he was calm and focused, as usual. But it got me to wondering how he really does feel, and I was ashamed that I hadn’t thought to discuss it with him before. He confessed that he was “disappointed” that nothing had come along to make all of this unnecessary, and he feels every bit as badly as I do about having to give up the cats. But he absolutely, positively is NOT angry with me for any of it, even though it’s my illness that has, in essence, betrayed us both.

Naturally my depressed brain tends to believe otherwise, but I am forcing myself to accept his refusal to assign blame at face value. Number one, because I didn’t screw up on purpose, and number two, because it really isn’t my fault. Shit happens. People get sick. I did the best I could to keep going in the face of what turned out to be insurmountable odds, and all I wound up doing was hating my life and spending much of it ill. And overall—this depressed mood notwithstanding—I’ve been a lot less stressed since I haven’t been working.

There. I said it. I was killing myself trying to work full-time and do what I believed was my duty as a productive citizen. It was all I knew how to do, and there were even times when I did it pretty well. Some days I miss my fast-paced lifestyle (and the money and prestige that came with it), and I’ll probably always wish I could have continued it and stayed well. But I couldn’t, and while this move looks, smells, and feels like failure, I have to listen to the people who care about me and accept the unacceptable.

That’s what logic says. I wish someone could explain it to the part of me that’s looking at bare walls and seeing the outlines of where family pictures used to be.

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. October 22, 2014 5:14 am

    Grief has pushed you into this depression. Grieve your losses. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this difficult transition. Take care of yourself. Ask your kids to help you pack up and move. You may need their company while you go through this.

    Liked by 1 person

    • October 22, 2014 5:29 am

      Thank you, Kitt. I am going to call on my kids for some help….it’s just too difficult packing up a 4-bedroom house by ourselves, with both of us ill from different causes. I appreciate all the prayers and good thoughts we can get. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. October 22, 2014 12:58 pm

    That’s just it, underneath the feeling of failure is the part that is happy and relieved to be free of the pressure to perform, when I really know I can’t do it 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  3. October 22, 2014 4:27 pm

    I agree..get those kids to help. Also friends could come over and even give moral help. Sometimes I just need someone to talk to while I am working to keep me going. You’re in my prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ashley permalink
    October 22, 2014 9:56 pm

    Have you considered teaching in a CNA or LPN program or doing clinical for them?

    Liked by 1 person

    • October 23, 2014 12:00 am

      Unfortunately there is only 1 CNA program in my area, and I’m too broken down physically to do clinicals. Five years ago I might have been able to, but not now. Thank you for the suggestion, though.

      Like

  5. November 26, 2014 5:36 am

    Keep it up:) I know I’m going through my depression phase too. Winter doesn’t help.

    Liked by 1 person

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