I am definitely having a downturn. It’s situational. There’s so much that needs to be accomplished in the next few weeks and nothing is even remotely settled yet. I’m looking at finances and the numbers scare the hell out of me. Will and I have to re-home three cats whom we’ve had for their entire lives, and it’s breaking my heart even to think about it. One is 14 years old, for Pete’s sake—who’s going to take care of her for the few years she has left? I never thought I’d have to give up having cats, but my son-in-law is wildly allergic and we can’t take them with us. But then, I never thought life would come to this.
I’m beginning to think filing for disability was a really good idea. I’ve continued to look for jobs, but I can’t get around the fact that the market is horrible for people over 50 and my work history over the past five years makes me look like a complete flake. I’m not getting down on myself for this, it’s just a fact of life; and having been a hiring manager myself a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, I understand why employers are reluctant to take a chance on me. It doesn’t make my work search any easier, but I get it. I really do. I only wish I could fix it.
Wouldn’t it be nice if life came with “Ctrl-Alt-Delete” buttons?
I have also resigned myself to the fact that I am going to go through this transition whether I like it or not, and I can’t be expected to stand here grinning like an idiot while it happens. I wish I didn’t have the bad thoughts that accompany these down times; they seem to come whether I’m clinically or merely situationally depressed. But I can usually banish them by forcing myself to think about something else—today it was the movie “Coal Miner’s Daughter”, which not only distracted me but I enjoyed it thoroughly. I also made a big pot of chili and a pan of cornbread for dinner; who says I have to get bogged down and wallow in my miseries?
So I’m in pretty decent shape for someone who is NOT having a good time in life. I see Dr. Awesomesauce on Monday, and I’ll bring all this up to him but I don’t think it will alarm him too much. He’s seen me through these things before—as have you—and I always come out on the other side. Always. There will be no early exit from the festivities. And maybe if I tell myself enough times that it’ll be OK, it will be.