Dear Life: Would You At Least Start Using Lubricant?


I am definitely having a downturn. It’s situational. There’s so much that needs to be accomplished in the next few weeks and nothing is even remotely settled yet. I’m looking at finances and the numbers scare the hell out of me. Will and I have to re-home three cats whom we’ve had for their entire lives, and it’s breaking my heart even to think about it. One is 14 years old, for Pete’s sake—who’s going to take care of her for the few years she has left? I never thought I’d have to give up having cats, but my son-in-law is wildly allergic and we can’t take them with us. But then, I never thought life would come to this.

I’m beginning to think filing for disability was a really good idea. I’ve continued to look for jobs, but I can’t get around the fact that the market is horrible for people over 50 and my work history over the past five years makes me look like a complete flake. I’m not getting down on myself for this, it’s just a fact of life; and having been a hiring manager myself a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, I understand why employers are reluctant to take a chance on me. It doesn’t make my work search any easier, but I get it. I really do. I only wish I could fix it.

Wouldn’t it be nice if life came with “Ctrl-Alt-Delete” buttons?

I have also resigned myself to the fact that I am going to go through this transition whether I like it or not, and I can’t be expected to stand here grinning like an idiot while it happens. I wish I didn’t have the bad thoughts that accompany these down times; they seem to come whether I’m clinically or merely situationally depressed. But I can usually banish them by forcing myself to think about something else—today it was the movie “Coal Miner’s Daughter”, which not only distracted me but I enjoyed it thoroughly. I also made a big pot of chili and a pan of cornbread for dinner; who says I have to get bogged down and wallow in my miseries?

So I’m in pretty decent shape for someone who is NOT having a good time in life. I see Dr. Awesomesauce on Monday, and I’ll bring all this up to him but I don’t think it will alarm him too much. He’s seen me through these things before—as have you—and I always come out on the other side. Always. There will be no early exit from the festivities. And maybe if I tell myself enough times that it’ll be OK, it will be.

Published by bpnurse

I'm a retired registered nurse and writer who also happens to be street-rat crazy, if the DSM-IV.....oops, 5---is to be believed. I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder at the age of 55, and am still sorting through the ashes of the flaming garbage pile that my life had become. Here, I'll share the lumps and bumps of a late-life journey toward sanity.... along with some rants, gripes, sour grapes and good old-fashioned whining from time to time. It's not easy being bipolar in a unipolar world; let's figure it out together.

18 thoughts on “Dear Life: Would You At Least Start Using Lubricant?

  1. Good job using your coping mechanisms during a time that is not and will not be fun. Moving sucks even when under good circumstances. Change is hard. Facing our limitations, filing for disability, downsizing, rehoming loved pets… so many disappointments. I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Yep, I hate all this with a pink and purple passion. But like I said, I won’t be leaving the party just yet. There’s still too much to do, and I’ve still got Will so I don’t have that option. It’s hard though….sometimes I wish I didn’t have to stay and fight this out. Thank you for thinking of us, Kitt. ❤

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Do not even consider leaving the party. Hear me! NOT an option. Your husband loves you and would be devastated. Your children love you and would be devastated. And, I, too, care. Just push through it. You can do it. Ask for help if you need it.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m not going anywhere. I don’t think I could do that to my family…..they’d be SO angry with me, and I don’t want them to be angry. But it is hard to stay positive when so much is going wrong.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Today I wandered around a sewing/crafts store (not my former employer) and thought of all the things I could learn to do that I’ve deprived myself of. First because I’m busy and lately because I am sentenced to purgatory on earth and not allowed to enjoy myself (because I am bad for not working like normal people). Yeah, see? It’s ridiculous. 🙂 But something I have unconsciously believed. Glad you had some pleasure today, WE DO deserve it and I don’t think we’d be so depressed if we acted on that truth.

    I did buy some crochet supplies, and signed up for a class 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m glad your coping mechanisms kicked in. Moving stinks even when you’re not under pressure and are looking forward to it. Packing, sorting, and deciding what to keep and what to toss is a major pain in the arse. I think you’re doing well, all things considered. Pat yourself on the back. I feel terrible about the kitties. If you continued to buy their food and cover any vet bills, would someone in the area be willing to foster them until you land on your feet again? You might check with your vet’s office or even put up a note. I wish we were closer. We’d do it for you if we were closer. Maybe a friend from a former job? Keep it together because you’re doing fine. Sending lots of hugs.


    1. Thank you Kathy. I needed to hear that. 🙂

      What I think I’ll do is advertise them on Facebook and see if any of my friends will take them. I hope so. I won’t put them on Craigslist, they’d have a better chance at the no-kill shelter. Damn, this hurts.


    2. Thank you Kathy. I needed to hear that. 🙂

      What I think I’ll do is advertise them on Facebook and see if any of my friends will take them. I hope so. I won’t put them on Craigslist, they’d have a better chance at the no-kill shelter. Damn, this hurts.


  4. Ask Dr. Awesomesauce will he back you in your application for disability. From what I can understand you can work part-time. I just filed yesterday. Thinking about you and your family.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. He will. In fact, he’s the one who brought it up a couple of months ago. He’s not thrilled about it, but he’ll back me up. Best of luck on your own application!


    1. I’ve applied for jobs like that and not even gotten interviews. You’d think they wouldn’t mind having someone with a spotty work history since they’re only seasonal themselves, but…..


  5. Ugh I M so sorry you have to give up your cats. Awful. I totally feel got you. I have a 19 and a half year old kitty. I know I’d be devastated if I had to give her up. Don’t you have any friends who might take them? Hope it gets easier.


  6. Glad you are finding little bits of pleasure here and there, and I’m sorry to hear about your cats. I’d really like to have a stern word with God about the loss-to-fun ratio many of us seem to be getting lately–where’s that suggestion box again?

    Liked by 1 person

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