Sometimes I’m amazed at my ability to stand outside my own life as an observer. I should be wrapping and packing our stuff, but on this rainy, dreary day I have chosen to play armchair quarterback and analyze how I’ve been feeling over the past week or so. I don’t know if it’ll help me sort things out, but until I see Dr. Awesomesauce next week, it’ll have to do.
I’m not depressed. Well, maybe a little, but not all the time—yesterday I was laughing hysterically at Facebook memes and enjoying the last of our beautiful fall weather in between tears and thoughts of death. That means I still love life, it’s just this particular part of it that sucks and I wish all this crap would get over with yesterday. I am also somewhat restless and agitated, which apparently came across in yesterday’s post. This raised some alarms in several readers’ minds, and I want to assure you all that I am neither helpless nor hopeless. I’m just not dealing well with the suckage.
It’s weird, being up and down multiple times in the same day. This is not my normal bipolar cycling, but then this isn’t really a mood episode. (I think.) How can it be an episode when I don’t know from one minute what the hell is going on in my head? I can be sitting here, completely forlorn and trying not to cry, and two hours later I’m cracking up at cat videos on the Internet. I haven’t been out of pajamas since Sunday night (well, they’re old sweats, but I use them as PJs) yet I’m still brushing my teeth and taking care of my hair, which I often don’t do when I’m in a real depression.
Regardless, it makes me feel crazy and I hate it. It’s almost like a mixed mood episode, but I think it’s anxiety that’s feeding the beast because when I’m mixed, I don’t have enough insight to recognize it. Oh, no, I know perfectly well that I’m anxious, and when I’m anxious I have big trouble maintaining my equilibrium, which is already difficult due to the nature of my disease. I’m also easily overstimulated by TV, music, even the Internet, but I can’t stay away from any of them.
But you know what’s cool? I can still hide it. I can go through all kinds of mental gymnastics and no one knows just how complicated it is—not even the people who read this blog. I did some off-loading yesterday, but I can just as easily go underground and pretend that everything is just hunky-dory. Turn my angst inward. Put up a good front. Keep a stiff upper lip and all that.
I wasn’t always able to do this. Used to be when I felt miserable, everybody and his brother knew it, and I sometimes went out of my way to make sure they did. But I’ve grown up a bit, and then there’s medication…..the wonderful, miraculous concoction that has quite literally changed my life and lets me “fake it till I make it”.
Still, it doesn’t make everything go away, and I’m subject to breakthrough mood swings just like everyone else. It’s been like Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride the past few days and I’m not sure just where I stand on the mood spectrum—actually it’s more like hopping than standing—but it’s OK. I’ve been here before. And I’ll get through it again.