A Disturbance In The Force

I think all the stress in my life is finally starting to get to me. For the past two days I’ve been itchy, squirrelly, and having some difficulty finding a place for myself. Nothing feels right; I’ve been trying to write this post all damn day and I’m not even sure if it’s going to make sense. Nevertheless, I’m writing it, if only to prove to myself that I’m not losing my grip for realz.

Chewing on a soft, warm brownie. At least I can enjoy the sensual things. The weather has also been crisp but beautiful, although I haven’t spent any time outside because I’ve been in the house in my PJs, dinking around on the Internet and not sticking with any one site for very long. I don’t have the attention span right at the moment. I keep having to get up and do something every so often, even if it’s just taking a glass to the kitchen, but I don’t seem to be able to harness the energy to actually DO something.

Like tackle the enormous amount of sorting, packing, and throwing things away that need to be done before renting a storage shed for all our remaining possessions. Will and I have collected a LOT of crap over the years. We probably should have another yard sale, but at this point I’d rather watch the Chargers play the Broncos. In Denver. In blowing snow.

There are way too many things to think about. I’ve had to use the Ativan three times in the past week and a half because all of this is making me more anxious than usual. Most of the time I tough it out, but at night all the thoughts crowd in on me until I’m ready to put my head through a wall. Far better to knock myself out than stay up half the night ruminating, right? Then of course I get distracted by stray ideas that waltz through my head, like how this is going to be my first Christmas ever without presents. I don’t know how to behave at Christmastime when I can’t buy presents. But it’s only two months away and we’re about to hit the lowest point ever in our financial life, so I guess I’m going to find out. I’m resigned to it.

Other stupid shit I think about: How long will it really take to get Social Security, if I get it at all? How much will I earn from writing? How do I re-home three older cats? (My son-in-law and my grandsons, among others, are violently allergic to them.) How will I get my flu shot this year? (Will already got his.) I still can’t believe this is happening. And where, oh where did the smart, witty woman who used to wear my clothes and sit at my desk go?

Yes, I sense a disturbance in the Force and I’m not happy about it. Maybe it’ll all make sense tomorrow. Maybe not.

Published by bpnurse

I'm a retired registered nurse and writer who also happens to be street-rat crazy, if the DSM-IV.....oops, 5---is to be believed. I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder at the age of 55, and am still sorting through the ashes of the flaming garbage pile that my life had become. Here, I'll share the lumps and bumps of a late-life journey toward sanity.... along with some rants, gripes, sour grapes and good old-fashioned whining from time to time. It's not easy being bipolar in a unipolar world; let's figure it out together.

5 thoughts on “A Disturbance In The Force

  1. Very Odd but you describe how I have been feeling without the huge financial/moving part. Until I read your blog I knew something was up but could not articulate it. Trust me Santa will stop by even if just a token. I do not want to rain on your parade but please figure this out..lol…My issue is sewing, Everyday I plan to and i lay out what fabric i want to put in it..I have designed 5 quilts in my head and cutting table. Everyday I touch and refold my fabric but can not get past that..took me over a year to get to this stage. I am not unhappy but not happy either, No matter what time I take pm meds I do not sleep till close to 2-3am.. Dog woke me at 4a?????? but I felt wonderful but then i went back to bed and awoke at 12:30p..with horrible aching pain and feeling like i am looking for a lifesaver not the candy though that could help!! Nothing is wrong yet everything is wrong.

    I went by myself and got a new Iphone yesterday at Sprint. Did I need it no.. but it actually lowers my cell phone bill by $50 /mo. Fantastic deal..I usually make my son go with me then we argue and I get what wanted in first place so I skipped that part this time…which was good for me.

    Time is going so fast.. I wish I lived closer so I could help you pack..I have moved so many times..one time got United Moving to do my move and they offered me a job..of course first few moves were military and they have moving down to a science and will wrap and pack your garbage if you do not pay attention..

    My very close friend in AZ is suffering so much but it is like this curse so many I meet are suffering financially, physically, mentally…Almost like epidemic. I have appts coming up with PCP and PDOC yet I do not know what to tell them. I hurt but then I forget to take pain med during day… how dumb is that.

    I write this all while thinking you are one of the strongest people I know.. want to hug you and say I know it will be okay and the LOrd only gives us what we can handle but one does not realize that is true till AFTER the crisis.

    I know the positives in your life yet nothing to say to you except ride this like a wave and remember not to hold your breath . I have placed you and yours on many prayer lists so I believe God is listening and knows.

    You have a place to keep roof over your head, you have writing job and once you get comfortable you could consider submitting articles to BipolarLife and other appropriate magazines. You have food and best thing of all is you have Will!! I so very much wish I had a friend/ husband/person to share life with. But I applied to EHarmony once and they said they could not find a match for me!! At least they stated what I felt was true. Was holding out for UPS or Fed Ex man but they are so fast I can no longer get to door quick enough.

    Well 2p and still in pj’s.. will make myself get dressed and go get newspaper in driveway.
    Hugs and prayers…you are a survivor..ride those waves!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know what you mean by staring at a stack of work and being utterly unable to do anything about it. That happens when I’m either really depressed or really, really manic. I don’t think you are manic. I think maybe you could be a little depressed and/or a little anxious, but maybe it’s just the change of seasons and nothing pathological at all. I’m glad you get to see your pdoc soon; just tell him what you’ve told me. 🙂


  3. I recall those same issues many years ago, before any dx, let alone the correct one. That took another 15 years. The moving one thing back and forth, not being able to make decisions as to what to take or where to pack it. Enlist all the relatives you have with packing. If it is not done the way you “would have done it”, so what. It will be done and you can stop persevering about at least a few things. The cat issue is tough. Ask everyone you know to put feelers out there. Vets get overwhelmed with requests but at least let your vet know and ask if someone recently lost a furbaby that might want one of your precious babes.

    Oh, and get dressed every morning, even if you will not be going anywhere.
    Know that prayers and hugs are being sent your way. I suspect some of the hugs have been sent to Will. Pick them up from him.

    Liked by 1 person

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