A Fine Mess

Posted bybpnursePosted inAll Aboard the (Bi)Polar ExpressTags:, , ,

And now it begins: The enormity of what I’ve lost, am losing, and am about to lose is beginning to crash in on me, and it’s staggering.

My unemployment benefits are running out. I can’t find a “real” job. Will’s Social Security isn’t enough to get us into even a small apartment, ergo, that means we are going to be homeless, literally, within a month. We have no place to go. That is freaking SCARY. Thank God our car is paid off and insured, otherwise we’d be SOL with fall and winter coming on. I hate the idea of telling the kids, but we’ll have to have our mail sent to somebody’s address, and one of theirs is the logical choice. And I’ll have to have somewhere to go to write my blog and my articles for the nursing website…..maybe our son will let me use his home computer a couple of times a week.

This is NOT a bid for sympathy or a cry for help. I’m just astounded at how far (and how fast) human beings can fall when the rug gets pulled out from under them. I’ve never gotten this close to being out of options before, and I don’t know how to behave. And it galls me that all this is happening because I have this stupid mental illness that makes it so damned difficult for me to function in the working world, even with great care and an even better support system.

Of course, the one I really feel awful for is Will. He doesn’t deserve this. I don’t deserve it either, but I can’t help feeling it’s all my fault. It’s not his cancer that’s driving us out of our home and turning life into a waking nightmare. It wouldn’t be so bad, and I wouldn’t feel nearly as guilty, if I were in this by myself. But bless his heart, he’s not going anywhere unless it’s with me…..even if “home” is a parking space behind the strip mall.

I don’t know how to do this. Dear God, the problems…..What to do with the pets? Can we afford to rent a storage facility where we can at least put our stuff? And it kills my soul to have to do it, but we’ll have to apply for food stamps and medical assistance when my unemployment benefits are gone. Still, that doesn’t help us with a place to live, and Heaven only knows when—or if—my SSDI case will be approved. It’ll probably be next year before they even look at it.

So things are looking pretty shitty right now, and I’m doing my best NOT to freak out because if I do, all hell will break loose. Last night my stress level was so high that I asked Will for an Ativan, which I hadn’t taken in months, because I knew I’d lie awake till the wee hours and we all know what happens when I don’t sleep. I’m not depressed—of that I am certain—but I am anxious and agitated, and when you couple that with the load of guilt I’m carrying, well, you can probably understand why I’m not having a good time.

What a fine mess I’ve gotten us into. It’s not the end of the world, but I can see it from here, and the view is one that scares the hell out of me.

 

Published by bpnurse

I'm a retired registered nurse and writer who also happens to be street-rat crazy, if the DSM-IV.....oops, 5---is to be believed. I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder at the age of 55, and am still sorting through the ashes of the flaming garbage pile that my life had become. Here, I'll share the lumps and bumps of a late-life journey toward sanity.... along with some rants, gripes, sour grapes and good old-fashioned whining from time to time. It's not easy being bipolar in a unipolar world; let's figure it out together.

15 thoughts on “A Fine Mess”

  1. It takes time for the bank to kick you out, meanwhile there are options such as re-financing/payment plans and the like. The last thing the bank wants is your house! So stay calm, God is working it out!! as we speak!

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      1. I didn’t realize you were renting. Still, it takes time for the eviction process. There’s probably free legal in your area, check it out to see what your rights are. xo

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  2. Contact your local Department of Social Services. They may have an emergency fund that can help you out for a couple of months. If not, they may know of a church in the area that can help. I am new to your blog, but your life sounds exactly like mine. I plan to contact you later with questions but today I want to help you. In 2 Timonthy 1:7 God tells us that he has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. We will have to ask him about the sound mind when we-Bi-Polars get to heaven. But he gave us what we got.

    I don’t know where you live, but go outside and look at your surroundings. Go alone and sit down and think. Use your creativity–and pull out that self-confidence that you have within. You will think of something! Praying for your situation. And thank you for your blog.

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    1. Thank you for the advice. I will look into it…..my church has a family crisis program, and I’m sure they can help us out a little. Our pastoral associate knows we’re in a world of hurt and has offered help before, but I’ve been too stubbornly proud to accept anything. I think I’m going to have to put that pride in my back pocket now.

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  4. Both bipolar disorder and cancer can be disabling illnesses. Best of luck getting SSDI. In addition to the recommendations above, can your children help out? I know it would be a strain on their families, but no doubt they love you both and do not want you homeless.

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    1. I hope they can help us out a little. They all have their own struggles though, and we’re dreading talking to them about this. But with five weeks to go on unemployment, we don’t really have much of a choice.

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      1. Funny how we can put it out there to the public (granted you blog anonymously, but your kids may know it is you), but don’t speak directly to those who most care – family. Talk to them.

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  6. We will be calling in as much help as we can get. We don’t have a choice anymore. I keep thinking of that saying, “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” I’d like to think I’m strong enough now and this should have a good resolution, but it sure doesn’t seem to be headed in that direction.

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  7. I feel your pain. God knows I do. Have you looked into Medicaid or family services? This is definitely were our system falls short. Helping the hard working people who come upon hard times is devastating. I’m assuming a long term disability policy is not an option but, how about a retirement fund? Initially, I had to deplete all assets. I even resorted to the little cash I could get. Any and most of my things I could do without went onto the online sites for sale. I hope one of these suggestions may help. Most importantly, I was thankful for those that surround my husband and I generous contributions. You would be surprised by those who come to your aid in the most desperate of times. Utilizing the church is a great suggestion and their our other churches who help those in need. I attempted to exhaust every opportunity I could. All I had let was time. That was my best helper of all. I almost forgot, I also went to a fellow co-worker in social services for suggestions on local resources I may have not thought of.

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    1. Unfortunately, we have no assets except a fourteen-year-old car. No savings, no retirement fund, no nothing. A couple of our friends have helped us out with money, but we’ve had to use it to pay bills. It’s a hell of a mess. But I figure the only way out of it is straight through it, and as far as the collection agencies go, they can’t take from us what we don’t have.

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