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Won’t Get Fooled Again

September 24, 2014

One of the stupid little tricks my mind plays on me once in awhile is trying to fool me into believing that my psychiatric issues are caused by other processes. Today I was reading something about the cognitive changes that sometimes strike people in late midlife, and one phrase stood out like a sore thumb: “Some patients may experience not only a decline in memory, but problems with word-finding and mood regulation”.

First reaction: a-HA! Second reaction: oh, no, not that old argument again.

Oh, yeah. The maybe-I’m-not-bipolar argument, which should have been put to rest long ago but keeps resurfacing every now and again. Now, why does my mind tease me like this? Every fact points to the BP diagnosis, and I’m reminded twice daily of it when I take my meds. There’s even an official label on my medical chart that’s going to be there forever and ever. What further proof do I need?

Nevertheless, this isn’t the first time I’ve entertained the idea of asking Dr. Awesomesauce for cognitive function testing. I already know I’d have difficulty passing some parts of the exam, because my short-term memory is poor and my attention span isn’t so hot either. Those questions where the tester gives you three to five words and you’re supposed to recall them five or ten minutes later? Ain’t gonna happen. The one that requires counting backwards by sevens…..are you freaking KIDDING me??! (I couldn’t subtract in my head even when my brain was in better shape.)

Obviously, none of this is reassuring. I don’t want to be demented any more than I want to be bipolar, even though it might help me with my Social Security disability case. The truth is, I have problems with my memory AND I’m bipolar. You wouldn’t believe how many times I have to scroll back to the top of my blog posts to see what I’ve written in previous paragraphs so I can make the piece “jell” and not repeat myself. This is also why I don’t read books anymore; by the time I get to the end of a chapter I’ve forgotten what the first part was about.

What were we talking about again? Oh, yeah—grasping at straws. Which is ridiculous given the preponderance of evidence proving the validity of my diagnosis. I’ve already fooled myself more than once. Time to knock that shit off.



5 Comments leave one →
  1. September 24, 2014 12:34 am

    OMG…am totally on board with this. I am convinced I have dementia every other day.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. September 24, 2014 11:28 am

    I am still inclined to have some screening done for dementia, it’s entirely possible to have both (I have no trouble believing the BiP dx)

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 24, 2014 5:55 pm

      I know, and I’m half afraid to find out. OTOH, I hate to think that the BP and the meds are ruining my mind. Can’t win either way. Phooey!


  3. September 25, 2014 3:27 am

    Welcome to the club of demented bipolar middle-aged women. I, too, struggle with my memory. The perfect storm – poor memory and bipolar disorder. Great!

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 25, 2014 3:40 am

      Yeah…..a winning combination to be sure! I’m just glad I’m not alone, even though I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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