This Post Has No Purpose

Was awake waaay too late into the night last night with racing thoughts and no real idea why. But I suspect it was the fact that a day I’d been looking forward to was a complete bust: first it was the canceled p-doc appointment, and then my favorite football team went on to lose their game in front of millions of Monday Night Football viewers. Not only that, they lost ugly, which only made the humiliation more complete. Nothing like a batch of missed plays on offense and half-assed tackling on defense to make a professional team look like junior varsity. But I am a long-suffering fan, and you can bet I’ll be watching when they get slaughtered by the Seattle Seahawks this weekend.

I’m not sure what the purpose of what I just wrote is, and I have no idea where I was going with it except that I wish it took a little more to upset my apple cart. I handled the canceled appointment with great aplomb, in my opinion, but that football game was so crap-tastic—and I did so much yelling and cussing—that I was still overstimulated at midnight, and didn’t get to sleep till sometime after one AM. I couldn’t shut my brain up. And it wasn’t the usual “OMG we’re going to be homeless in another month” train of thought that usually occupies my mind when I can’t sleep. In fact, I can’t really put a finger on any of it because my thoughts were racing so fast that they weren’t even registering.

Usually, that means bad news on the mood stability front, but today I only feel kind of dull, like I’m a bit hung over. At least with this kind, there’s no headache and no puking, nor does there need to be remorse for falling off the wagon. Speaking of which…..I’m coming up on my one-year sobriety birthday, which breaks my heart because I should be celebrating almost 23 years. Damn that slip last September! I still want to kick my own ass for that—and over something that was utterly ridiculous to boot. I wish it had never happened, but as the saying goes… can wish in one hand and crap in the other, and see which gets filled first.

Anyway, such are the musings for a late-summer day which is rapidly losing light. I don’t suppose that’s helping matters much, but the good news is it will soon be early fall, which is when I tend to have a surge of energy (and boy do I need it). I love fall, almost as much as I love summer, and with the arrival of autumn colors and pumpkin-flavored everything, comes optimism and the urge to nest. Except this year I can’t nest because I don’t know where Will and I are going to go once my unemployment runs out, unless some miracle happens and I find a job.

But that is all stuff to be dealt with on another day. Thanks for reading this post, even though it probably doesn’t make much sense and certainly has no real purpose. That happens sometimes. So do bad nights and lost football games. C’est la vie.


Published by bpnurse

I'm a retired registered nurse and writer who also happens to be street-rat crazy, if the DSM-IV.....oops, 5---is to be believed. I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder at the age of 55, and am still sorting through the ashes of the flaming garbage pile that my life had become. Here, I'll share the lumps and bumps of a late-life journey toward sanity.... along with some rants, gripes, sour grapes and good old-fashioned whining from time to time. It's not easy being bipolar in a unipolar world; let's figure it out together.

4 thoughts on “This Post Has No Purpose

  1. BP…navigating the space between brilliance and madness!

    You have expectations in the future of things you don’t control…after all that long term sobriety? And isn’t it just the ego dominating that you’re bummed about a slip that broke your length of time. I see people go out that don’t make it back. And those that make it back, talk about how excurtiatingly hard it was to get sober again. Sounds like you made it back. All is good!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It HAS been hard to stay sober…..every now and again I get that itch to drink or hit the Ativan, and I used to go months or even years between urges. When I made the choice to violate abstinence and cross that line, it set me back a lot and I know it made me more vulnerable to a second slip. I haven’t done it, but I now know better than to guarantee that I won’t…..the invincibility is gone. And maybe that’s a good thing after all.


  2. you are one brave person. I am a Cardinals fan (the only one on the planet) so you probably are not speaking to me. Anyway, I think you are doing great. You’ve got a lot of pressure and are holding up. I don’t know much about sobriety but I would say “23 years with one brief slip”. I love to read your writing…you give me hope.

    Liked by 1 person

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