Oops, I Did It Again

Well, the deed has been done. I signed the attorney papers and mailed them out this morning.

I know I must’ve come across as whiny and wishy-washy during the past couple of weeks, and I’m sorry about that. Yesterday a friend of mine suggested—in so many words—that I really needed to shit or get off the pot, and of course she was right…..I’ve just been delaying the inevitable, and making myself unhappy in the process. I look back over my posts and see what she was talking about: the endless debates, the self-recrimination, the fear of screwing up my life even more. It was definitely put-up-or-shut-up time.

So I arose this morning a woman with her mind made up. I signed and initialed every single highlighted space, sealed the envelope, and sent it off with a silent prayer that I’m doing the right thing. But the feeling isn’t all that different from what I’ve felt all summer—like I’ve stepped off a cliff not knowing how far I’m going to fall before I land. It’s getting to be a very familiar feeling. I’m no more comfortable with it than I’ve ever been, but it’s a known quantity now.

There’s even some certainty in my uncertainty; I mean, I KNOW life is going to suck for awhile. It’s already sucked for quite some time, and nothing has happened yet to make me think it’s going to change any time soon. So I’m trying to focus on the few positives, e.g. we finally got the month’s rent paid, which keeps us off the streets for a little longer, and I slept better last night, which makes me a little saner today.

Which reminds me of the fact that my mood charts have been reflecting a kinder and gentler version of the mixed mood episode. I am up and down, sometimes even within the same 24 hours, and if you asked me how I am at a given moment, I wouldn’t be able to tell you if I’m hypomanic or depressed. My mind races and I’ve got more energy than I’ve had all summer; but then, I’m also having trouble hauling my butt out of bed in the morning, and my outlook is (to say the least) less than sanguine.

Oops, I did it again—I just caught myself whining. But I’ve already written the entire post, and I really don’t want to start over. Is that OK? (laughs) I guess I shouldn’t feel too bad about it, after all this IS my blog and I get to write whatever I want…..but I also want people to read it, so it’s probably best if I don’t make it a continuous downer. And there are some things to be grateful for, like my husband Will. He had a CT done today to see if his cancer drugs are still holding off the growth of the tumors; hopefully the news will be good. In the meantime, he’s still doing well both physically and mentally, and that sustains me during these difficult days.

Now the waiting begins: for Will’s results, for Social Security, for life to get better. God alone knows how it will all turn out. I just hope He lets me in on some of His plans soon!