My sleep is getting screwy again. The past four nights I’ve been awake well past midnight with racing thoughts, trying to calm my mind with prayer and meditation and failing utterly. Then I can barely get out of bed in the morning because my brain does not have an OFF switch and my ruminations continue all night, even after I finally do fall asleep. I can’t win.
It’s not that I’m going to bed later. No, I’m still sticking with the script and hitting the sack by 11:30 PM; I just can’t go to sleep at a decent hour despite the ingestion of three major tranquilizers at 9 PM. I also wake up briefly at least once or twice a night, so basically I’m in bed for eight and a half hours but only getting six or seven hours of sleep. Not that I need more than that, it’s just the irregularity and the fact that I can’t seem to quiet the cacophony in my head that’s making me a little wonky.
I’m so conflicted over what to do about my life. I want to work and contribute to society as well as keep Will and myself off the streets, but in the dark of night I have to admit to myself that I don’t know what kind of work I can do anymore. I am SUCH a stress-monkey and I can’t think of a single line of work that doesn’t involve stress of some kind. I do know that I gravitate toward jobs that involve working with people and trying to solve their problems, and those are probably the worst types of jobs I could go for. But what else IS there?
I have the disability papers from my attorney. They’re still in the envelope on my desk, waiting to be signed so the process can begin. I’ve taken them out of the envelope several times, but haven’t gotten my head together enough to sign them and send them off. I don’t know exactly why I’m having such a hard time doing such a simple thing. I guess it’s just that to me, signing those papers means I’m giving up, and I’m just. not. ready.
Maybe it’s like some of my family and friends say, that I think I’m steadier than I really am. Dr. Awesomesauce also said as much at my last appointment. But while they are certainly more objective than I am—and they often see things I don’t—I can’t make myself believe that. Maybe I’m still in denial about my capabilities. Maybe I’m just stubborn. I don’t know. The only thing I know for certain is that I hate, hate, HATE this situation and I’m angry with myself because I need to do something quickly and still have no real idea of what that should be.
Same shit, different day. I’m still holding out hope for that county job, but I’m beginning to suspect that working with people and getting sucked into their dramas may not be the best idea after all. Maybe I just need to work on an assembly line someplace, like I used to do in the way-back days when I was young and restless and full of ennui. There wasn’t enough in the work itself to occupy the intellect and I got into quite a bit of trouble by pulling pranks, but the mindlessness could be exactly what I need right now.
Or, I can sign those papers and hope for the best. Maybe if I do that I’ll be able to sleep at night, knowing that I’ve at least crossed ONE thing off my to-do list. You know what they say about a journey of a thousand miles and all.