Hope Springs Eternal

I think by now we’ve all figured out the common theme for the past few days. The proverbial chips have been down for some time, but I’m feeling my optimism rising again even though nothing has changed on the surface. I’m like a robin with one end of a ten-foot earthworm in its beak…..a little nibble keeps me trying.

I am SO not ready to quit. I thought I was, but all it took was being invited for that job interview and I realized that surrender just isn’t an option…..not yet, anyway. I’m still filing for disability—the attorney papers are on my desk as I speak—but I can always cancel the application if I find a job I can live with, and in the meantime I feel like the paralysis has been broken.

All summer long I’ve been in a funk, unable to make more than the most basic of decisions (and sometimes not even those). Now I seem to be throwing off my lassitude and even if I still can’t decide what to do in a given situation, at least I’m considering things. I couldn’t even do that up until a couple of weeks ago…..all I was doing was over-thinking while spinning my wheels uselessly.

Granted, I’m coming close to the end of my unemployment benefits and I’m feeling the pressure; but I also suspect that talking with Dr. Awesomesauce about disability just might have lit the fire under me. I also suspect this may have been the purpose of that particular little chat—he can be manipulative like that—because he knows how I behave when my back is against a wall. I tend to come out fighting!

But I think I’m also becoming more realistic about what I can do even though I still resent my limitations, because otherwise I’d still be nursing and making good money while being overworked and hating the politics more with each passing day. At least now I have hope that I’ll find a job I can live with. When I was looking only at nursing jobs, I felt that was my only option and was secretly fearful I’d wind up in the same miserable situation that made me leave all my previous nursing jobs. I didn’t know how to get off the merry-go-round.

Now that I’ve done it, I’m really hoping for the county job I applied for. I want that one so badly I can almost taste it. Who could possibly be better to support people dealing with mental illness than somebody who has one? Of course, I probably should be careful what I pray for, but I’ve looked over the job description at least a dozen times and there’s not a single aspect of it that I couldn’t do. Yes, I’m sure it’s stressful in its own way, and I can see myself having some guilt feelings if someone I’m trying to help were to commit suicide. But holding the power of life and death in my hands as I did when I was a nurse? Not gonna happen.

So it’ll be interesting to see how all this settles out. Even though my interview on Friday didn’t go the way I’d hoped, I have the feeling that I’m close to a breakthrough…..but in the meantime, I’m going to keep looking and I’m not giving up!




Published by bpnurse

I'm a retired registered nurse and writer who also happens to be street-rat crazy, if the DSM-IV.....oops, 5---is to be believed. I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder at the age of 55, and am still sorting through the ashes of the flaming garbage pile that my life had become. Here, I'll share the lumps and bumps of a late-life journey toward sanity.... along with some rants, gripes, sour grapes and good old-fashioned whining from time to time. It's not easy being bipolar in a unipolar world; let's figure it out together.

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