I don’t want to seem ungrateful or anything, but what I could really use right now is a good dose of hypomania.
Yes, I know it’s ridiculous. Yes, I know it’s stupid, especially after everything I’ve gone through to get to what I consider to be relative stability (although Dr. Awesomesauce argued that point with me the other day; he doesn’t seem to think I’m quite as stable as I think I am). But I miss my fire and my passion, and I can’t help thinking that getting them back might propel me out of this lassitude and into taking action to correct the course my life is on right now.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad for the decrease in what used to be some really wild mood swings. It’s not a bad life, although most of what’s happening in it basically sucks. It’s just what I call—for lack of a better term—the absence of “WOW”.
Now I find myself wondering if this is the way most people are all the time. Is this how it is to never be too hot or too cold? To be sad, but never depressed? To be happy, even joyful, but never, ever the least bit manic? I guess my perspective is a little skewed because up until recently, I’ve never known life without the full spectrum of moods. And I imagine it wouldn’t take too much messing around with my meds to set the clock back.
I keep thinking about calling Dr. A and asking him to let me taper off the Zyprexa and see what happens. He definitely doesn’t want me on two anti-psychotics forever; he said as much the other day. And then I remember what happened the last time I tried decreasing the dose—not only did I go off track, I went too far the OTHER way and wound up having serious thoughts about getting off the choo-choo altogether. No bueno. So I’ll wait till I see him next month and if I’m still feeling dull and unmotivated, I’ll ask. I’m not foolish or reckless enough anymore to try it on my own.
See? Even my willingness to take chances is strangely absent. That’s probably a good thing, but I feel like I’m missing out on something.
Now, I realize this line of thinking can be dangerous. Lots of bipolars have gone completely off their meds (and their rockers) for the same reasons. I would never do that, simply because I remember how long it took to get my illness under control and how many med tweaks I’ve had to endure. (At last count, I’d been through a grand total of 26 adjustments.) And as a clinician, I know that the odds are against me wrestling this beast back into submission easily if I were to turn it loose, even a little. So I don’t let myself think about that too much.
I just wish there were some way that I could be silly, funny, creative ME without all the bad stuff that sometimes accompanies hypomania—the crappy sleep, the irritability, the inability to focus, and the chance that it could develop into full-blown mania. I want my “WOW” back!