There’s something to be said for standing by and watching your life fall apart around you…..but somehow I doubt it would be appropriate for all audiences.
I don’t seem to be able to get much done in the area of finding a job OR another place to live. I have applied for one job I think I might be able to handle (resident services coordinator for a retirement complex) and thrown away about 4 dozen bottle of nail polish and a pile of old birthday banners, decorations and stuff. (Why the hell do I think I’m going to reuse an “It’s A Boy!” sign when I haven’t hosted a baby shower in nine years?) Oh yeah, and I’ve filled one whole box with books and miscellany.
Meanwhile, my son Ethan has done some legwork and made arrangements for us to go see several apartments on Friday, so at least someone is helping us look for a new home, even though we’d prefer to stay in our small city. Besides, he wants us close by so we can see each other a little more often, which I can’t say I feel bad about. My sister Louise also lives in that area, which would mean more frequent visits with her as well. Not the worst of all worlds to be sure.
It’s just so hard to get motivated. We don’t have a target date for move-out, and we’re still paying some rent here so it’s difficult (read: impossible) to save anything. And I have to admit that I’m afraid to start all over again in a new place, because my unemployment runs out in late October or early November. What if I don’t find a job before then? I don’t fancy being homeless in the chill of autumn….of course, we could stay with our daughter and her family, but this is obviously not the best option. They need to live their own lives, and we need our privacy. But it’s good to know that we have a place to go if we need it.
There’s so much that needs to be done. Boxes to buy, things to pack up, stuff to go through and get rid of, a yard sale to organize. Not to mention a job to find. The whole mess is so overwhelming that I feel like I’m rooted to the spot while time and opportunity are rushing by at the speed of sound. I don’t want to get to the point where someone has to light a fire under my ass to motivate me. But it certainly is difficult to get into the spirit of the occasion when the only thing that’s going right is being in a stable mood.
And I’m absurdly grateful for that. Oh Lord, what a clusterfuck this would be if I were bouncing off the walls or down in the dumps. Yes, my mind is racing and I’m restless and agitated, but for once it’s not because of my illness, only a reaction to the chaos around me. The meds are holding me together beautifully—who knew that tiny bit of Zyprexa would make such a difference!?—and I’m sleeping well. What a difference from a year or two ago!
Now, if I could just quit fiddling while Rome burns…..