While Rome Burns

There’s something to be said for standing by and watching your life fall apart around you…..but somehow I doubt it would be appropriate for all audiences.

I don’t seem to be able to get much done in the area of finding a job OR another place to live. I have applied for one job I think I might be able to handle (resident services coordinator for a retirement complex) and thrown away about 4 dozen bottle of nail polish and a pile of old birthday banners, decorations and stuff. (Why the hell do I think I’m going to reuse an “It’s A Boy!” sign when I haven’t hosted a baby shower in nine years?) Oh yeah, and I’ve filled one whole box with books and miscellany.

Meanwhile, my son Ethan has done some legwork and made arrangements for us to go see several apartments on Friday, so at least someone is helping us look for a new home, even though we’d prefer to stay in our small city. Besides, he wants us close by so we can see each other a little more often, which I can’t say I feel bad about. My sister Louise also lives in that area, which would mean more frequent visits with her as well. Not the worst of all worlds to be sure.

It’s just so hard to get motivated. We don’t have a target date for move-out, and we’re still paying some rent here so it’s difficult (read: impossible) to save anything. And I have to admit that I’m afraid to start all over again in a new place, because my unemployment runs out in late October or early November. What if I don’t find a job before then? I don’t fancy being homeless in the chill of autumn….of course, we could stay with our daughter and her family, but this is obviously not the best option. They need to live their own lives, and we need our privacy. But it’s good to know that we have a place to go if we need it.

There’s so much that needs to be done. Boxes to buy, things to pack up, stuff to go through and get rid of, a yard sale to organize. Not to mention a job to find. The whole mess is so overwhelming that I feel like I’m rooted to the spot while time and opportunity are rushing by at the speed of sound. I don’t want to get to the point where someone has to light a fire under my ass to motivate me. But it certainly is difficult to get into the spirit of the occasion when the only thing that’s going right is being in a stable mood.

And I’m absurdly grateful for that. Oh Lord, what a clusterfuck this would be if I were bouncing off the walls or down in the dumps. Yes, my mind is racing and I’m restless and agitated, but for once it’s not because of my illness, only a reaction to the chaos around me. The meds are holding me together beautifully—who knew that tiny bit of Zyprexa would make such a difference!?—and I’m sleeping well. What a difference from a year or two ago!

Now, if I could just quit fiddling while Rome burns…..

Published by bpnurse

I'm a retired registered nurse and writer who also happens to be street-rat crazy, if the DSM-IV.....oops, 5---is to be believed. I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder at the age of 55, and am still sorting through the ashes of the flaming garbage pile that my life had become. Here, I'll share the lumps and bumps of a late-life journey toward sanity.... along with some rants, gripes, sour grapes and good old-fashioned whining from time to time. It's not easy being bipolar in a unipolar world; let's figure it out together.

6 thoughts on “While Rome Burns

  1. Hey bpnurse, why not stop for a minute, take a deep breath, open a bottle of wine or take a small drink of something you really enjoy and take a night off. Sit down, relax however you like to relax and then start over fresh in the morning. But at that time, take a while to write out a list of everything you need to get done before you have to move out. To be honest, when I feel completely overwhelmed by what I have to do (and I am by no means in your situation – so I can only imagine how you are feeling ((sending big squishy hugs)), I write lists. And then as I get through what I need to do, I cross it off the list. That way, irrespective of how I feel I am doing, the proof is there before my eyes: I am getting things done. Its a small practical tip and I know it doesn’t work for everyone, but it works for me. Prioritise what you absolutely need to get done first and get that out of the way.


    1. I’m working on that as we speak. 🙂 First is putting together a yard sale, then taking what we don’t sell to Goodwill. After THAT dust settles, we’ll just start boxing up stuff and putting it out in the garage. One step at a time.


  2. Your titles are always so clever … well, Rome is not burning my dear but I am sure it feels like it. So glad Ethan is helping you guys to look at other places! I didn’t realize it was closer to Louise as well. Hmm that could be BAD news. lol…

    keeping you in prayer – God will make a way when there seems to be no way. I know, it sounds trite, but really, it’s not… xo


  3. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason for why things just ‘happen’ to good people. I’ve watched the most viscous, mean spirited and just downright ‘ugly (and not in the beauty sense) people sail through life with what appears to be ‘not a care in the world’. And then I’ve seen people who deserve nothing more than all the good there is in this world to be showered down upon them end up instead in situations where illness, unemployment, death, despair, depression etc etc bring them almost to breaking point. But I believe very strongly in karma. What you sow you reap, and no matter how dark things appear now, there is always a new dawn. In a years time, you may look back on all this and think; what was I worried about? For me, I had a life changing event happen to us as a family back in April. We had to close down the business we had built from scratch and operated for twenty years, partly due to the major depressive episode I was experiencing. (It was let me out of the business to recover or I would have been under a truck or hospitalised). Both our incomes were tied to this company and that put a huge strain on us financially as to where we would go from here. I am lucky in that my husband is well of body and a very astute business man, so he has found somewhere else to work. Me, on the other hand, I am taking this time to mend. I know I am not having to pack up all my worldly possessions and decide what to keep and what to sell or send off to another family in need so I can only imagine the stress and strain this is putting on you. I am sending you all the good wishes and hugs I can in the hope you get out of this place as quickly as possible.


    1. Your troubles are just as difficult and hard to deal with as mine. I’m sorry to hear that you had to get out of your business; losing our livelihood changes everything. I’m glad you’re taking the time to heal and figure out your next move. And thank you for your thoughtful and articulate responses to my posts. 🙂


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