And Just Like That…..

…..things are back to normal. I don’t know the rhyme or reason why it happened, but that little burst of whatever-it-was is over and everything is A-OK again.
I have no idea what caused the hiccup. I was doing fine up until Sunday, and then things got weird. First I had that BRILLIANT idea of whacking my Zyprexa dose in half—that should’ve been my first clue that something was rotten in Hoboken—and then got nervous about finances, which promptly touched off an anxiety attack. No bueno. Then my thoughts started racing and I got wound up just like I do when I’m becoming hypomanic.

Ah, who the hell am I kidding. I was hypomanic. Not seriously, and not for very long, but the spell had all the earmarks of it, and you know what they say: if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, well…..

There, I said it. I’m just glad I escaped from the mini-episode before it spun out of control. Yes, I admit I miss hypomania a little, but this brief taste of it reminded me of how much better life is when you have your head on straight. There’s a lot of stuff that needs to happen so I can get Will and myself out of this pickle we’re in, and I can’t do it if I’m all screw-loosey.

Today I’ve been able to focus again, and I sent out two more employment applications and resumes with minimal difficulty. My thoughts have settled back into coherence and I’m not jumping out of my skin or tapping my feet and fingers to anything but the music playing on my iPod. Even the restlessness has mostly gone away, and what remains, I can channel into something productive like deadheading the petunias.

I hate to admit it, but I really think God was trying to tell me something here, like maybe it’s too early to even consider decreasing the Vitamin Z. Maybe in another few weeks, like Dr. Awesomesauce proposed; but then maybe not. I’ve got to stop getting ahead of myself when it comes to making plans like that. No bipolar can plan for what will happen a week from now, let alone a month, six months, a year. Our moods are tricky and we don’t know HOW we’re going to feel at some future time.

But then, that doesn’t make us a whole lot different from anyone else; we simply have more difficulty maintaining our equilibrium when shit gets real (and sometimes even when it doesn’t). Unfortunately, shit is all too real right now. I’m just thankful to have dodged this particular bullet, because the last thing in the world Will and I need right now is for me to get sick again. This was nothing more than a little sinus condition. I am blessed indeed.



Published by bpnurse

I'm a retired registered nurse and writer who also happens to be street-rat crazy, if the DSM-IV.....oops, 5---is to be believed. I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder at the age of 55, and am still sorting through the ashes of the flaming garbage pile that my life had become. Here, I'll share the lumps and bumps of a late-life journey toward sanity.... along with some rants, gripes, sour grapes and good old-fashioned whining from time to time. It's not easy being bipolar in a unipolar world; let's figure it out together.

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