Organized Chaos

OK. Now that I’ve spent the last 48 hours freaking out and identifying some of my more pressing problems, here are a few of my stray thoughts from today. Please excuse the chaos; it’ll give you an idea of how my brain works under stress.

Problem #1: I need to go to the unemployment office and re-do my resume, but there’s just one small difficulty: I have somehow misplaced my ability to focus. And what if I need a different type for a non-nursing job? Who’s going to hire me when nursing is all I’ve ever done? I don’t even know WHAT the hell I want to do. I wonder how long our landlord will let us go without paying the full month’s rent. We can’t afford to live here anymore but we can’t afford to move either. I can’t even plant tomatoes this year because we’re probably going to be homeless and you can’t grow tomatoes in a shelter. My flowers look nice though, and I can tell a couple of the hydrangeas are going to be purple this year. Last year they were bright pink. I wonder what colors the others will be. Will we be here to find out?

Problem #2: Damn. I am physically agitated, and I need to channel the energy but I can’t figure out how. I yank a few weeds and give up, distracted. I think about walking up the hill just to get rid of some of the antsy feeling, but then my broken toe starts to burn and reminds me that it STILL hasn’t healed completely. Is this fucking toe EVER going to stop hurting? How am I supposed to do any kind of job if I can’t stand and walk for any length of time? I can’t believe it’s already June. This weather is perfect, it must be 75 out here. The sky’s so blue you could practically swim in it. I want to go swimming, THAT would get rid of some of this energy. Lord, why couldn’t You have given me some friends with a pool?

Problem #3: I’m driving in the car, even though I feel like an airhead. I have to pick up my Zyprexa refill at the pharmacy. Boy, am I glad I didn’t try cutting back on it yet. My friends were right—best to wait a little longer. Stuff’s cheap, too, only $8.44 for a month’s supply. Cheapest mental health money can buy. I can’t even imagine what I’d feel like if I weren’t sleeping. I still have trouble GOING to sleep but once I’m there I sleep like a rock. Speaking of sleep, I didn’t get a second cup of coffee this morning. Wonder why I’m so agitated, it’ s like I drank five cups. Tim (a Facebook friend of mine) thinks I need to cut down on caffeine. He may be right, but…..HEY!!! Don’t you cut in front of me, you POS!!!

Problem #4: At Safeway, shopping for a few groceries and feeling guilty about the kinds of food I’m putting in my cart. Wow, no wonder we feel shitty so much of the time, look at all this processed crap. Why, oh why can’t I love healthy foods, like dark-green leafies and tofu? On the other hand, almost nobody in my family lives past their 60s and the ones who do get dementia, so what would I be saving myself for if I gave up Oreos and ice cream? This line sure is moving slowly. I don’t care. I’m sure as hell not doing anything ELSE that’s constructive. I really need to revise my resume. But wait, the ice cream will melt if I go to the unemployment office. Guess I’ll wait till tomorrow.

And so it goes.


Published by bpnurse

I'm a retired registered nurse and writer who also happens to be street-rat crazy, if the DSM-IV.....oops, 5---is to be believed. I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder at the age of 55, and am still sorting through the ashes of the flaming garbage pile that my life had become. Here, I'll share the lumps and bumps of a late-life journey toward sanity.... along with some rants, gripes, sour grapes and good old-fashioned whining from time to time. It's not easy being bipolar in a unipolar world; let's figure it out together.

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