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A “Weight”y Matter

May 5, 2014

Well, I have good news and bad news in the never-ending weight wars. The bad news, of course, is that I’ve gained back some of the weight I lost a year and a half ago. Not exactly a big shockeroo there…..I’ve been battling it since last fall during those three weeks on Zyprexa, and then through the holidays and more Zyprexa, and a broken toe and guess what, a LONG stint on Zyprexa.

The good news, however, is that I haven’t gained anywhere near what I thought I had, and I believe most of it happened over the holidays and into the winter. Not owning a scale (by design), I tend to gauge my weight gain or loss by how I fit behind the steering wheel of the car, and that hasn’t changed in a couple of months. In fact, I’ve only gained 10 lbs. since late October, which is amazing given the fact that I’ve been known to put on that much in a matter of weeks, without benefit of psychiatric drugs.

Which means the Zyprexa is not packing on the pounds as it’s done in the past. For some reason, I don’t get as crazy-hungry as I used to, quite possibly because my body has become accustomed to the medication and apparently has determined that there’s no need for me to cram myself full of food. I do eat more than I really should, and my diet definitely leaves a lot to be desired; but it’s only at the evening meal that I find myself famished, and after not eating much during the day I figure it’s not going to kill me to eat a big dinner.

Can I lose weight like that? No, but obviously I don’t have to put on a drastic amount overnight either. I’ve also been checking my blood sugar at random times since Vitamin Z tends to send it soaring into the stratosphere, and that’s not happening either. I’ve been taking it for seven weeks now.

Maybe I can live with Z after all.

I almost hope so, because I’m really doing well and I’m not all flattened out emotionally, like I was in the early going. I enjoy life in spite of being unemployed and knowing that things are going to suck for a while. I sleep like a rock every night and wake up refreshed. I’m calm, even with Will having pneumonia right now and us losing our health insurance in less than a month. And I’m unusually confident that I’ll be able to find a new job sooner rather than later.

I owe a lot to that little white pill. I’ve been in remission before, but this one feels more solid somehow…..as if the mania and depression that usually simmer under a protective layer of medications don’t even exist right now. It couldn’t happen at a better time, because the suckage is about to get real and I’m going to need all my marbles to deal with it. However, I’m under no illusions anymore that all this crap I’ve been fighting for the past several years is gone for good, or that I won’t cycle back into mania or depression (or worse).

But you know, I can’t worry about that because the truth of this illness is that you don’t have the luxury of predicting the future. You just don’t know what you’re going to face two years from now, or two months from now, or hell, even two DAYS from now. Life doesn’t simply flow; it runs into obstacles, gets hung up in stupid little details, takes detours that you’d never expect. But that’s true for everybody—not just people with mental illness who have to take pills that allow us to have some insight once in a while. 🙂

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