Then and Now

Day Three of being unemployed, and I’ve already got my benefits claim started, visited the local employment office for the intake interview, cobbled together a resume, and filled out two applications. I ain’t messing around. I have no intention of being jobless for a moment longer than I have to be, and not to put too fine a point on things, but right now I’m basically throwing shit at a wall to see what sticks.

This is so unlike the place I was in exactly one year ago, when I was in the middle of that spectacular flame-out that cost me my executive nursing position. The difference is like night and day; then, I was meek and frightened, like a little field mouse. Now, I’m definitely not happy about being out of work, but I don’t feel like a failure and I’ll be damned if I’ll let this define who I am as a worker OR as a human being. I can’t afford to. I’ve got to work at least another 11 years and if I think of myself as someone who can’t hold a job—no matter WHAT it says on my job applications—I’m defeated before I even get started. No bueno.

A year ago, I was bitter and angry at having been kicked to the curb like garbage. Now, not so much. I did everything I reasonably could to learn the job and absorb the massive amounts of information I was supposed to commit to memory, and when I couldn’t do it, the powers that be did what they had to. It was nobody’s fault, and I don’t believe for a minute that the bipolar figured into it at all. If I could have actually done the job, the BP wouldn’t have mattered. Of course, if I didn’t have BP I might have been in a better position to do the job, but now we’ll never know. Feces eventuates.

A year ago, I had no hope. I just knew nothing good would ever happen to me again career-wise; it was over and done and I would stay mired in mediocrity forever. Now, even though the surveyor job didn’t work out, I have the knowledge that I beat out 54 other people for it, which obviously means I’ve got SOMETHING on the ball. Nobody just waltzes into a state government office and gets handed a job like that. I earned it. The fact that I was unable to perform the duties of the position doesn’t mean I’m irredeemably defective; it just means I need to set my sights a little lower and look for work that doesn’t demand that which I am unable to give.

A year ago, I was a hot mess. Now I’m in remission, my head is on straight (once again, thanks to Zyprexa) and I’m moving forward. I don’t know which direction the winds of change will blow, but I’m going to put my trust in God to help me figure it all out.


Published by bpnurse

I'm a retired registered nurse and writer who also happens to be street-rat crazy, if the DSM-IV.....oops, 5---is to be believed. I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder at the age of 55, and am still sorting through the ashes of the flaming garbage pile that my life had become. Here, I'll share the lumps and bumps of a late-life journey toward sanity.... along with some rants, gripes, sour grapes and good old-fashioned whining from time to time. It's not easy being bipolar in a unipolar world; let's figure it out together.

5 thoughts on “Then and Now

  1. Just new to your blog… what you talk about sounds strangely familiar to what I’ve been through as well. It can be so confusing and uncertain. But one thing is for sure, you have so much to offer, don’t ever forget that. I’m positive you’ll make it to see the other side again! Hang in there! Oh and those winds of change, they may always catch you by surprise, but God will always be there. *hugs*


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: