Yeah, I admit it. After all, there’s a great big beautiful spring out there, with warming temperatures and even more sunshine to come later this week…..the intoxicating aromas of flowers floating on the soft breeze…..the promise of summer just around the corner. This is one of my favorite times of year, when it’s not TOO hot and the house is still comfortable for sleeping at night, when life is kind and I’m limited only by my imagination.
And where am I in the middle of all this? Parked on the front porch steps like a bump on a log.
Well, at this particular moment in time I’m actually in front of the computer screen, but you know what I mean. This is the beginning of my first week of unemployment, and I’m getting a taste of freedom that ought to be savored before I go back to the nine-to-five grind. I’m calm, I’m not freaking out at the knowledge that we’ll have to move soon because we can’t afford our house on $360 per week in unemployment benefits, and I’m reasonably sure that I’ll be able to find some sort of job fairly soon. I just lack the get-up-and-go to do something about it.
Of all the times I could use a little hypomania, this is it. Yet it’s nowhere to be found; the sunshine does not evoke the boundless optimism of previous springs, and even the prospect of 80-degree weather later this week brings none of the usual energy that spurs me to activity. I’m not depressed; in fact I’m pretty happy given the circumstances I find myself in. It’s just that everything is pleasant, rather than exciting, and that’s just….well…..boring.
There. I said it. I miss my mania. Or rather, my hypomania…..full-blown mania is too freakish and too damned dangerous to be any real fun. What I want is the feeling of being ten feet tall and bulletproof: I want the ability to do ANYTHING, and the vim and vigor to surmount any obstacles life may put in my way. I want to hit the ground running every morning, and clean the house and work in the yard I probably won’t have much longer. I want to put on my best face and my best clothes and go knock ’em dead at my next interview, even if it’s just Starbucks. In short, I want to feel awesome!!
You’re probably thinking I must be crazy. I wouldn’t blame you, and part of me even agrees with you. Who but a crazy person would WANT to be in a hypomanic state, even though it provides tremendous energy at a time when it’s desperately needed? It’s taken over two years and many med changes to get to this point of relative stability…..why in the name of all that is reasonable would I be mulling over ways to manipulate my treatment so that I can get the benefits of hypomania without all the bad parts?
OK, now that I’ve worried you, let me reassure you that I’m sticking with the program, even though I am sorely tempted to cheat and kick myself into a higher gear. If you’re not bipolar, you won’t understand these urges; if you are, you know exactly what I’m saying. I’m telling you this only because it’s better to talk it out than ACT it out, and now that I’ve done so, I feel less like doing it. How about that?
And I owe it all to my audience, because you read my work and thus hold me accountable. That’s a good thing. Thanks for being here. 🙂