ARRRGGGHHH!!

Ah……I feel better now. Nothing like a little primal scream therapy to get rid of some frustration.

Make that a LOT of frustration. I have never in my life sucked so badly at a job (with the possible exception of telephone solicitation, a position I held some thirty years ago…..for about four hours). I’ve been at this now for almost four months, and it’s just not getting any better. I try and try, but I forget what little I have learned when the pressure is on and I know my trainer is right behind me, judging every single move I make and typing it into his laptop.

Today we had a talk about how I’m progressing, or rather, NOT progressing. And let me tell you, I am thankful beyond words that Dr. Awesomesauce left me on the Zyprexa, because that is the reason I’ve been able to remain professional and take the barrage of criticism without running off into the bathroom to cry. I feel SO BAD about this. I had such high hopes for this job, and I know my superiors had high hopes for me as well; but the simple truth is, I STINK AT IT.

I’m inept, clumsy, slow, forgetful, and too chatty with the staff. (I remember all too well what it was like being on the receiving end of surveys, and I try to put the nurses and aides at their ease. I didn’t know I’m not supposed to do that.) I struggle endlessly with the computer program and can’t recall how to navigate it when I’m under duress. I was unprepared for yesterday’s team meeting (which is a mortal sin among surveyors) and didn’t discuss my findings in detail.

I jump around from task to task instead of proceeding in a linear fashion (but how else am I supposed to catch all the people I need to talk to when they’re constantly on the move?). And I still can’t even keep up the pace physically, although this has been the best week I’ve had since I broke my toe in early February (well, that, or I’ve just resigned myself to the fact that the fucker is going to hurt for the rest of my days).

I have never wanted to be fired before. I can hardly wait until it happens.

Which may be sooner than I think. In fact, I’ll be surprised if I still have a job come Monday morning. Even though the survey will go on until at least Monday or Tuesday, I’ve only got one more day and then I’m back in the office for the rest of the week. Seems my trainer for this week has a meeting with the powers that be on Thursday, and I can only imagine what THAT will be about.  I was supposed to stay for the entire survey. You think the handwriting’s not on the wall? I’d have to be blind, deaf, and dumber than an entire bag of hammers not to see what’s coming.

I just hope that when all this is over, I will have finally learned my lesson about overreaching. It’s not that I’ll never be more than a Wal-Mart greeter or a gas jockey for the rest of my life, but I badly underestimated the complexity of this particular job and overestimated my ability to handle it. Somewhere there is a middle ground between menial labor and a high-powered career; I simply need to internalize the fact that I have limits, and when I push them too hard, they push right back.

And again I say: ARRRGGGHHH!!!