Wow. I just got done reading through some of my blog entries for the past few weeks, and now I can see why some of my family and friends were a bit concerned. And once again I’m left to wonder why it is so difficult for me to appreciate when I’m in crisis…..after all, I’M the one who lives with this disease day in and day out.
This makes three good days in a row. Don’t laugh—after weeks of being up and down and all around, three days of normality are a precious gift. They have been days in which I haven’t felt panicky, manicky, depressed, confused, upset, angry, irritable, frightened, or paranoid. And while I certainly can’t claim to be stable when my overheated brain was screaming for a fistful of Ativan only a week or so ago, it does feel like the tide has turned.
That doesn’t mean that my financial problems have gone away, or that I still need to do something about changing my work situation (and have no idea what that looks like). The thing is, I’m not freaking out about it or plotting to steal away in the dark of night and drop off the face of the planet. It’s all sort of humorous now, but it wasn’t the least bit funny a couple of weeks ago when I finally sent that SOS to Dr. A.
It’s hard to guess where he’ll want to go with my meds when I report in on Monday. I don’t suppose it matters, because he has this way of getting me to do what he wants me to do and this time will be no different. If there’s anything I’ve learned from the two years I’ve been in his care, it’s that he really does have my best interests at heart, even though he’s an objective observer and as such, he doesn’t have an agenda. That’s why he gets away with calling me out on my bullshit and telling me what to do, while my family and friends usually don’t (sorry, guys).
In the meantime, I’m relishing my newly-won freedom from distressing mood shifts, and enjoying two days of NOT driving up and down the interstate surrounded by stupidity. I even took a nap today. Now, if the weather would ever clear up so I can get outside and grow flowers and cherry tomatoes in the dirt, I’d be golden. 🙂
Nope, there’s nothing to see here. And for once, that’s a GOOD thing!
bpnurse 