Mixed Up

Things are better today. I took a Vitamin Z, slept like the dead for a full eight hours, and woke up feeling less agitated and nervous. My thoughts are still racing and I have to force myself to focus, but I can string a few together, unlike yesterday when I wrote that last post. I re-read it this morning and could see why my friends are urging me to call Dr. Awesomesauce on Monday…..it was pretty tangential at that.

I just don’t know what to tell him. I don’t think “life is chewing me up and spitting me out” is something you can really describe over the phone. I know I’m in something of a mixed episode, where the energy is up and the mood isn’t (alternating with days when it’s the exact opposite), but I’m more confused than anything else. I mean, WTF is all this??! Why can’t I ever settle down and just live? I get so frustrated with myself because I loathe drama, and here I go creating it by wanting to shake up absolutely everything.

Naturally, somebody always calls me out for being angry with myself—because according to the conventional wisdom, I shouldn’t be—and I make the usual excuses about how I was brought up that way and can’t change. Yeah, I know: how’s THAT working out for me? I may be a little mixed up and a lot pissed off, but I’m not stupid. I’ve learned a few things in therapy. It’s just too bad that I don’t seem to be able to apply them to this situation.

And what IS ‘this situation’, exactly? It’s so nebulous I can’t even put a finger on it. I keep analyzing it (actually, I’m over-thinking it, as is my custom when I’m confused and anxious) but if you ask me what’s wrong, I’m apt to say “Nothing…..everything”.  Again, I think it’s more of an existential crisis than anything else, but as I’ve learned to my dismay, these things aggravate the hell out of my illness and so I have to deal with the symptoms in addition to the original issue. Talk about double jeopardy!

So what the deuce am I supposed to do? I can’t keep patching myself together with PRNs, it’s like putting a Band-aid on a broken bone (and I need to have a conversation with a doctor about that toe of mine, too). But I also don’t think this is cause for a med adjustment, and when I call Dr. A’s office to report an increase in symptoms that’s usually what happens; everything else is too complicated to deal with over the phone. So I continue to hem and haw and come up with more reasons not to call…..after all, I AM better than I was yesterday. And who knows, I might even be better tomorrow than today. 🙂






Published by bpnurse

I'm a retired registered nurse and writer who also happens to be street-rat crazy, if the DSM-IV.....oops, 5---is to be believed. I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder at the age of 55, and am still sorting through the ashes of the flaming garbage pile that my life had become. Here, I'll share the lumps and bumps of a late-life journey toward sanity.... along with some rants, gripes, sour grapes and good old-fashioned whining from time to time. It's not easy being bipolar in a unipolar world; let's figure it out together.

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