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Mixed Up

March 16, 2014

Things are better today. I took a Vitamin Z, slept like the dead for a full eight hours, and woke up feeling less agitated and nervous. My thoughts are still racing and I have to force myself to focus, but I can string a few together, unlike yesterday when I wrote that last post. I re-read it this morning and could see why my friends are urging me to call Dr. Awesomesauce on Monday… was pretty tangential at that.

I just don’t know what to tell him. I don’t think “life is chewing me up and spitting me out” is something you can really describe over the phone. I know I’m in something of a mixed episode, where the energy is up and the mood isn’t (alternating with days when it’s the exact opposite), but I’m more confused than anything else. I mean, WTF is all this??! Why can’t I ever settle down and just live? I get so frustrated with myself because I loathe drama, and here I go creating it by wanting to shake up absolutely everything.

Naturally, somebody always calls me out for being angry with myself—because according to the conventional wisdom, I shouldn’t be—and I make the usual excuses about how I was brought up that way and can’t change. Yeah, I know: how’s THAT working out for me? I may be a little mixed up and a lot pissed off, but I’m not stupid. I’ve learned a few things in therapy. It’s just too bad that I don’t seem to be able to apply them to this situation.

And what IS ‘this situation’, exactly? It’s so nebulous I can’t even put a finger on it. I keep analyzing it (actually, I’m over-thinking it, as is my custom when I’m confused and anxious) but if you ask me what’s wrong, I’m apt to say “Nothing…..everything”.  Again, I think it’s more of an existential crisis than anything else, but as I’ve learned to my dismay, these things aggravate the hell out of my illness and so I have to deal with the symptoms in addition to the original issue. Talk about double jeopardy!

So what the deuce am I supposed to do? I can’t keep patching myself together with PRNs, it’s like putting a Band-aid on a broken bone (and I need to have a conversation with a doctor about that toe of mine, too). But I also don’t think this is cause for a med adjustment, and when I call Dr. A’s office to report an increase in symptoms that’s usually what happens; everything else is too complicated to deal with over the phone. So I continue to hem and haw and come up with more reasons not to call…..after all, I AM better than I was yesterday. And who knows, I might even be better tomorrow than today. 🙂






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