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Inside The Whirlwind

March 15, 2014
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I felt the difference when I woke up this morning. I was restless and couldn’t wait to get outside. The good weather helps. But all I seem to be able to do is go around in circles: I’ve started several projects, gotten distracted and then gone off and done something else.  At least I got one plant repotted and the soil in the front yard planter turned over so I can grow something in there when it’s actually warm enough.

Thoughts are racing. I don’t like it because it means that things aren’t quite right. Just in the space of a few seconds I thought about how pissed I am that my busted-ass toe still hurts and why it hasn’t healed after over a month in this stupid ortho shoe. I guess I expect too much from my late-middle-aged body, but DAMN I hate still limping around five weeks after the accident. Can you believe that the people in the car I bumped actually filed a “bodily injury” claim against my insurance? Neither car had a scratch, I hurt my toe only because I jammed on the brakes so hard and the impact bent my toe back way too far. Yet THEY’RE claiming injury, so now MY insurance rates are going to go up. I think it’s because I have insurance and they don’t. I should have turned them in when I saw their insurance was expired, but of course I always expect not to get screwed so I didn’t. Stupid me.

I thought about how bad I still want to get rid of all my extraneous crap, but I’m afraid to get started throwing stuff because I won’t stop, and then Will would be upset with me. He thinks I push myself too hard when I have a day like this when I feel so good physically that I want to do everything at once. But I couldn’t get myself organized, so I went out to the back yard and found the bark coming off the rounds of firewood we have back there and played with that for a little bit. Who knew that trees peel like onions?

Then I sat down on the porch with my iPod and rocked out for awhile. Had a great discussion with a ladybug that was crawling around on the porch and then realized that I was talking to a fucking LADYBUG. I’m glad they live in my garden, but chatting with one was kinda over the top and I made myself shut up. I thought about how much I wish I could go back to the nursing home where I worked before, because they have a care manager position open and I at least know THAT job. But I can’t imagine any cirucmstances which would make that happen, so I had to fuhgeddaboudit and move on to the next thought, which was studying my wrists and wondering how people can stand to cut themselves there. Or anywhere else. I understand wanting to end pain, but causing oneself pain in the process of doing so just doesn’t make any sense to me. Not that I want to end anything now, anyway…..it was just a stray thought that comes up once in a while, unbidden.

So now I’m here at the computer, trying to capture the thoughts and only being able to hang onto a few because I have more piling on top of them that seem to think they need to be thought all at once. I don’t know how people can think so much and accomplish so little. Even this post is nothing more than a batch of brain-farts hooked together in no meaningful way. And I suppose somebody’s bound to worry, but there’s really nothing to worry about—my mind’s just doing one of its little whirlwind things is all, and I know how to make it stop that shit. I just wonder where I put the damn Zyprexa after the last time I used it…..?

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9 Comments leave one →
  1. Ashley (Wish_Me_Luck) permalink
    March 16, 2014 4:13 am

    You can always put in an application for the previous place of employment just to see what happens. As far as the cutting goes, many people who cut are emotionally numb and would cut themselves to feel something…also, you have to remember that when a person has a cut, there is a release of adrenaline. Sometimes people like the adrenaline rush.

    I rock out with my iPod on my porch quite often, as well. Music soothes me. The talking to the ladybug thing isn’t that weird. You know, I think when people start talking to themselves (or other critters, as it is in your case), it is not really a controlled thing. They often just catch themselves doing it out of the blue. I think walking helps it or shaking your leg (as annoying as that may be) as it helps you focus and release the energy in a different way. It is just energy that is in your brain and your lips moving (or any other body part moving) releases it. I would imagine a warm bath would help, too, as it causes vasodilation and releases the heat/energy through your skin and helps you sleep.

    But, no, you aren’t as crazy as you think you are.

    Liked by 1 person

    • March 16, 2014 6:11 am

      That’s good to hear. I can never gauge just how “crazy” I am…..sometimes I think I’m fine and everyone is telling me I’m off my rocker, and then there’s other times when I think I’m losing it and my friends are telling me to call my pdoc, and then someone else comes along and reassures me that I’m really not as bad off as I thought. Thank you!!

      Like

  2. Kathe permalink
    March 16, 2014 2:17 pm

    Putting my innermost thoughts on paper would make me feel “crazier” too. So many things go on in our brains that random associations can be viewed as all-out insanity. You’re brave to write out these things because you are helping all of us by sharing things we all think about…at least I do. Maybe that makes me crazier than you!

    I encourage you to go after the old job, too. The new one is consuming alot of your self-confidence.

    Hypomania isn’t a bad thing, IMO. If you are on meds proven personally to keep you from going into a full-blown mania, you’re in close touch with your psychiatrist and you’re wise enough to take your Zyprexa….what’s the harm? I embrace my hypo times. I’ve been living with this disease long enough to know when I need to put on the brakes. But enjoying an energy lift is something I feel entitled to.

    Like

  3. March 16, 2014 8:00 pm

    I love hypomania too…..in fact, I love it a little too much, because my tendency is to want more and more of it. Trouble is, it usually doesn’t stop there, but progresses to full-on mania. This situation is different, though—my energy is up, but my mood isn’t. It feels like a mild mixed episode, actually, because I’m up and down and irritable and funny and anxisous and confused. But it’s not as bad as most….at least I don’t feel like killing myself this time!

    Like

  4. Ashley permalink
    March 17, 2014 7:18 pm

    Another job that you might consider is a case manager at a CSB. You have the background to be a good one. Just a suggestion.

    Like

  5. March 17, 2014 8:59 pm

    What’s a CSB? I’m intrigued.

    Like

  6. Ashley permalink
    March 19, 2014 5:59 pm

    Community service board. That is what the community mental health services for people who have lower income is called where I live. I am not sure what is called where you live.

    Like

  7. March 20, 2014 1:06 am

    Oh, OK, like the county mental health clinics where I live. I have to admit, it seems like a strange idea to work with psych patients when I’m one myself, but I’d certainly have plenty of empathy with them.

    Like

  8. Ashley permalink
    March 20, 2014 4:03 am

    I don’t think it is strange. I wish more mental health facilities employed people with mental illness who are doing well in their treatment. As long as they are complying with treatment, I think it can set an example of what might be possible career wise. Our society still has the notion that people with mental illness are lame ducks that just live off of disability. I know with Borderline Personality Disorder, 88% of people with it don’t meet the criteria for it around 5-10 years post diagnosis.

    I know you have Bipolar and it is different etiology wise (chemical imbalance vs Borderline’s habit/maladaptive behavioral patterns), but people would be quite shocked who has a mental illness and who does not. I know people are surprised when I tell them I have Borderline (I am actually quite endearing, if I do say so myself, as are the friends I have that also have Borderline) and you mentioned that people were surprised at your revelation. Most people with mental illness are not monsters contrary to popular belief and can be a valuable asset to the work place. I do respect your decision to not work in mental health though.

    Like

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