Livin’ On A Prayer

I know, again with the song titles…..but living on a prayer is what I feel like I’m doing nowadays.

I mean, I’m not certain of ANYTHING in my life right now, except for God’s love and Will’s devotion. Oh, and the fact that everything’s better with bacon. But seriously, this is about as weird as it’s been in several years, and I don’t like it one bit. I have this crazy urge to pack up the husband and the pets, throw a few prized possessions in the car, and run as far away as a few tanks of gas will take us. Someplace warmer and drier. Someplace where we can start completely fresh, like we did when we were young and still had a sense of adventure.

This isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way. Before the grandkids started arriving, I had us halfway to moving to Arizona and was actually looking for housing and jobs there. I wanted to be where there was sun and warmth and outdoor swimming pools. Then our daughter gave birth, and that was the end of that idea. I can’t even imagine living someplace where my kids are more than a few hours’ drive away….but that doesn’t stop me from fantasizing every so often. Like now.

I feel restless, full of ennui, and worst of all, trapped. Nothing is really going well; money remains problematic because everybody, his brother, and his house cat want a piece of me now that I have an actual job, and it’s making me nuts. Our one and only car is becoming quirkier every passing week, and it reminds me of nothing so much as a middle-aged grump. I am also VERY unsure of whether or not I can continue in the position; I feel totally incompetent at learning it, I don’t know if I’m cut out for it, and to be honest I don’t think it’s what I really want. At this age and stage of life, I had no intention of taking on the equivalent of nursing school, which was an enormous project even when I was thirty-six, or working this damned hard just to learn the computer programs which are only one small component of what is turning out to be a monster of a job.

This isn’t what I thought I signed on for. If I were younger and had more stamina, if my husband could travel with me, if I didn’t have so much trouble with retaining information, I probably wouldn’t think twice about pushing through the pain like I did in nursing school. But the bottom line is, I don’t think I can do this. I don’t know what else I can do either, because returning to clinical nursing is out of the question. I’m not depressed—this is situational and has nothing to do with bipolar—but when I wake up in the morning and my very first thought is of how badly I want to start throwing stuff away so we can move to a small house and I can afford to work for peanuts, life is most definitely not on the right track.



Published by bpnurse

I'm a retired registered nurse and writer who also happens to be street-rat crazy, if the DSM-IV.....oops, 5---is to be believed. I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder at the age of 55, and am still sorting through the ashes of the flaming garbage pile that my life had become. Here, I'll share the lumps and bumps of a late-life journey toward sanity.... along with some rants, gripes, sour grapes and good old-fashioned whining from time to time. It's not easy being bipolar in a unipolar world; let's figure it out together.

3 thoughts on “Livin’ On A Prayer

  1. I gave 3/4 of my stuff away, moved to a smaller house and never looked back. It’s freedom !! Thinking about downsizing at this time in your life is not a bad thing. You can make a plan and start giving stuff away now, while you’re in the mood. It’s surprising how much junk we collect over the years that someone else can use more than we can.

    I read it takes 9 months to fully settle into a new job. You have the experience and brains to learn it, or they wouldn’t have hired you for it. I bet you are expecting far too much of yourself and working twice as hard as everyone else.

    Your first thought in the morning isn’t a dream. It’s achievable in painless increments. Start divesting yourself of material things and see how good it feels to be working towards that goal!


  2. Hearing you so much! I know what it’s like to feel unsuited for a job but hate the idea of not working, and finances are driving me crazy. Know that you’re worthy no matter what you are doing or not doing…


  3. Thank you.

    I told everybody when I took the job that I was taking a big risk, but that I’d kick myself for the rest of my days if I didn’t at least try it. Well, I’m trying, and I’m not getting it. Doesn’t make me a loser. I hope I can remember that.


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