In A Mood

I swear, some days it’s just not worth chewing through the restraints.

It all started with the hour I spent this morning arguing with my cell phone carrier over unauthorized charges on my bill. My husband, sister and I are all still on the family plan she started some five years ago, for which we used to share the cost; now that she’s in an assisted living facility and all her money goes toward her care, I pay the entire phone bill. So I’ve gotten pretty assertive about questioning all these little extra charges……only now, they’ve hit me with new ones and activation fees for a new number that evidently none of us asked for.

Suffice it to say that I am frustrated. Not only with AT&T, but just overall. There is a lot of uncertainty floating around in my little corner of the universe these days, and I’m so OVER it. I’m sick of limping around my broken toe (yeah, it’s busted all right, there’s a hard knot sticking up over the base of the toe that I still can barely touch, even after 3 1/2 weeks). I’m sick of winter. I’m sick of money (especially the lack thereof) and the bills that just keep piling up because everything involved in Will’s cancer diagnosis and treatment happened before we got health insurance again. I’m sick of worrying about whether or not this job is going to work out, and of feeling completely non-productive even though no one expects me to perform as yet.

Yes, sports fans, I’m irritable and restless, and if truth be told, downright cranky. Or as my kids used to call it, “in a mood”. Not that there aren’t good reasons for it; lately it seems that absolutely EVERYTHING I want is just out of my reach, and that is crazymaking. I can see things like job and financial security…..remission for the cancer……mental stability. I can even touch them if I stretch my hand out far enough. But maddeningly, they continue to elude my grasp, and sometimes I just want to give up even trying.

Heh. I guess that’s what I get for giving up sweets for Lent. Nothing like doughnut withdrawal to shake things up. I know how to soothe my ruffled feathers without resorting to food, but I’ve been out of practice since that three-and-a-half stint on Zyprexa last fall (to say nothing of the fact that I needed it for over a third of February as well). That’s part of the reason I decided to use these 40 days (actually, I think it’s closer to 45)—not only to make a sacrifice for the Lord, but to jump-start a somewhat healthier life.

I know I feel better when I don’t eat much sugar; besides, I’m apt to be more physically active when I don’t feel weighted down by a load of cake or cookies.  Like I said the other day, I’ve got that old familiar urge to go outside and work in the soil…..trouble is, I’ve gained back some of the weight I lost, and I feel thick and heavy.  But when I eat decently, I have more energy and my attitude is better. Not that my version of a “healthy” diet is what the Food Police really mean by healthy—I still enjoy my meats and my salad dressings and my coffee, and by gosh I’m going to have those things. I refuse to give up EVERYTHING that makes life worth living. But between the two extremes, there exists a happy medium. (My job: find it!)

I know I’ll get over all this, although right now, the ice cream is calling my name and I want to throw things, scream profanities from the rooftops, or sit down and cry. Maybe all three at once. FML.

Published by bpnurse

I'm a retired registered nurse and writer who also happens to be street-rat crazy, if the DSM-IV.....oops, 5---is to be believed. I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder at the age of 55, and am still sorting through the ashes of the flaming garbage pile that my life had become. Here, I'll share the lumps and bumps of a late-life journey toward sanity.... along with some rants, gripes, sour grapes and good old-fashioned whining from time to time. It's not easy being bipolar in a unipolar world; let's figure it out together.

3 thoughts on “In A Mood

  1. Thanks for sharing. I appreciate your candid and honest writing and your sense of humour. Thanks also for being brave enough to put yourself out there.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My thanks to you both for your comments. It’s not always easy to be “out”, and sometimes I wonder what will happen if my work ever puts two and two together and connects me with this blog. But I try not to worry about it too much, because it’s not like it’s against the law to be mentally ill and I do the very best I can each day. And if that doesn’t work, well, there’s always Oreos!


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